“Didn’t that end in the 90s?” wondered casual sports fan, Flicka Channel (37).
After a strained exit from Rugby Union due to some homophobic remarks – and a pat on the back from Margaret Court – Israel Folau has found a new home playing rugby league again, which was of little surprise to sports fans and anyone who understands that cash always wins out over principles. So it was no shock when Israel was snapped up by a club looking to boost their profile and win at any cost – what was shocking though was who he signed with.
“At first when I heard he had signed with the Dragons I thought we may just turn things around this year,” said longtime Dragons fan, Flicka Channel (37). “But then I heard it wasn’t the St George Dragons, it was some Catalan Dragons in Super League and I thought the world had gone mad.”
After a brief life in Australia in the 90s, Super League disappeared from our shores never to be seen again and for guys like Flicka that means it doesn’t exist at all.
“It must be some kind of mistake. It’s only the NRL now. Super League folded so this means Israel is now playing with Saints. Which is good news, now they might extend their unbeaten first 10 week Premier status and maybe win 12, or even 13 in a row! Wouldn’t that be something,” said a hopeful Flicka.
Unfortunately for Flicka, he has his teams mixed up which means Saints opening run will stay fixed at 10 games before they start to fold like a cheap suit on laundry day.
Environmentalists are said to be up in arms this week about a scheduling conflict caused by three of the biggest names in their religious doomsday cult totally legitimate organization that isn’t front for communism in any way, shape or form.
“It all started when Alexandra Oscario-Cortez said that we only have 12 years left to save the planet, so naturally the entire movement set their laptop and phone calendars to that date because a former bartender is without question a person who would know these sorts of things,” said Greenpeace spokesperson, Neva Hadajob (47).
“Things then got slightly confusing when Greta Thunberg – hallowed be her name – said we only have eight years left before the end. I mean, a high school dropout with no formal degree in climatology couldn’t possibly be wrong about environmental science so we all had to change the date. I mean, can somebody please just pick an end of world date and stick to it?”
Visibly confused, Neva took a deep breath before continuing to relay his tale of calendar chaos.
“But, in the same week Michael Moore came out and said we only have four years left to save the planet. He’s a comedian and an entertainer and who knows more about complex weather patterns than someone like him? I just thought the science on this was settled though?”
After voicing his doubts out loud, Neva was soon flanked warmly embraced by concerned fellow true believers and whisked into a brainwashing room designated happy space to be reassured that the end is coming, the dates are all correct until they’re not, and only more government can save us from all the mistakes governments have made thus far.
A new study out of Australia’s centre for higher order thinking, DrunkenSober Community College, has found that there is a scientific reason why your plates and cups need to match. It’s not a cerebral reason, nor is it due to the optics involved, rather it dates back to our most primal prehistoric impulses – an aversion to pain.
Associate Professor Maffew Sheargold (pictured) has just finished an entirely worthwhile 12-month government funded study which found that the reason why crockery sets have to match comes down to ones base desire not to be punched by ones missus.
“Me study found that blokes don’t give a toss what they eat off of, or if it matches. However, once you throw a wife into the mix and try and pull that shit – you’re getting a punch in the arm straight up,” said A.P. Maffew.
The study involved 30 couples being sent to K Mart with the males given clear instructions to try and buy mismatching plates and cups. In all 30 cases, every single male was punched in the arm, with one bloke also coping a slap across the back of the head for good measure.
“Blokes got hit every single time. We also found that the more horrendous the mismatch, the harder the blokes got punched,” said A.P. Maffew.
So if you wish to avoid pain, make sure your crockery sets match fellas, because science says so.
Once spoken of as a future great rugby league player, by both himself AND his mum, Needsa Notherjob (23) got the chance to relive his peak form when he walked onto the front oval of his local Primary School to do playground duty as a Prac teacher. It was five minutes to bell time when a group of Year 4 students asked him to join in a friendly game of touch and his competitive streak took over.
Hitting up on the first set of six, Needsa was able to dodge multiple 8-year-olds and score the first try, screaming, “In your face,” at the nearest kid who was stunned at the outburst. Kicking off to the opposition, the other teams best player made the entire length of the field before Needsa’s instincts kicked in and he hit a game saving tackle as the bell went and his side won 4-0.
“Mate, he went down like a bag of sh*t,” said Needsa to the Principal in his office after the game. “He should stick to handball.”
Explaining slowly that the kid was eight, and that he was a grown man, Needsa slowly realised he may have gone too hard on the poor kid who was now in sick bay. Reflecting on the day he had, Needsa remained upbeat.
“A good day all-in-all. Scored a try, stopped the tackle to win the game and got sent home early. Best of all, the Principal just called and said no need to come in tomorrow so I have the day off. Sweet!”
At some point tomorrow it may dawn on Needsa that he’s out of a job, but for now he’s too busy enjoying the high of being the best player on the field once more.
Standing at the luggage carousel at Sydney’s airport, Jett Starr has just returned from a fortnightly flight for work from Cairns. As Jett waits for the carousel to start, he silently wishes to the universe that his bag will come out first. As the carousel begins to move, three black bags immediately appear when Jett suddenly realises for the thousandth time that he really should pick a different coloured bag.
After 20 bags have passed him by, 19 of which are black, Jett has no clue which one is his and is now pissed off because he’s gunna have to wait right till the end and rely on everyone else to know which was is theirs and which one is his.
Seeing a bag he thinks is his, Jett steps forward only to be cut off by another passenger who is adamant it is theirs by the way they confidently stride towards it. After 20 solid minutes of waiting, and over 150 bags have been distributed, one pink Barbie bag and one black bag remain before Jett is confident which one is his.
Picking up his bag, Jett curses to himself that this will never happen again and that he’s going to buy a bright red one from now on to make sure this never happens again.
Walking past three luggage shops on the way out the airport, all with bright red bags for sale, Jett hurries off to the taxi tank where thoughts of his bag problem fade from his mind. Until the 1,002nd time this happens in a fortnight and Jett tells himself once again that he really needs a different colour bag.
A common trend of these past few years is large gatherings of environmental protesters marching with placards about how awful plastics and paper are. And a second common trend of these past few years is large gatherings of environmental protestors leaving massive piles of plastics and paper rubbish strewn all over the ground. It’s for this reason that a call has been made to help the environment by banning environmental protests.
Logical rational human being, Con Ensense (37), has come up with a bold initiative to help reduce litter by 400% by stopping these protestors from organising marches. If this happens, says Con, we can have an immediate positive impact on the environment – the very thing these protestors are claiming to want.
“Think about it. If they don’t march, there won’t be giant piles of rubbish left in the middle of parks and streets. This then won’t attract wildlife who can choke on the refuse and it won’t be washed down a nearby drain so it’s good for the rivers and oceans,” said Con.
Con reached out to a local environmental group to discuss his foolproof plan to help reduce littering, but was unable to decipher the autistic screeching on the other end of the phone. Thinking nothing of it, Con was not overly surprised to find a march organised outside his house an hour later (or so he was told as Con was actually at work unlike the protestors). It was not until he got home and saw the massive piles of litter that he knew protestors had been there.
At present it does not seem like Con’s idea was well received and he is going back to the drawing board for ideas on how to reduce litter, right after he cleans up the two tonnes of rubbish left by environmentalists.
Walking out the front of his house last Tuesday, Central Queensland Man – Con Fused (24) – saw a sight he couldn’t quite believe. A man was riding his horse through Calliope – not an uncommon occurrence – only this time the rider was also walking a dog. Stopping to stare, Con couldn’t quite figure out how to frame the event.
“I’m not sure if that’s brilliant or just bone lazy,” said onlooker, Con Fused (24). “You see people riding horses along the footpath all the time out here. So much so, the Macca’s drive thru has a sign insisting that customer have to be in a vehicle to be served, a direct result of a woman trying her luck at the drive thru window on horseback.”
As the rider went about walking his dog, Con followed along with his eyes eventually coming to the conclusion that it was in fact a genius move.
“Two birds with one stone and all that,” said Con. “I take my hat off, it really was a top example of multitasking. Like driving your ride on mower down to the bottlo, something you also see a lot of around here.”
While walking the dog from horseback might not take off as the next big trend in the pet world, the horse/dog/owner were all happy that day and that’s all that matters – even if it was downright bone lazy.
With the first book of the ‘A Song of Ice and Fire’ series by George R. R. Martin being released in 1996, fans are still waiting for the last two books to be completed. Considering Martin is now the worlds leading expert on procrastination, chances are identical to his current body shape i.e. fat.
Which is the opposite of the problem that the TV show fans have, as the producers rushed the series which resulted in a rather unsatisfying conclusion for a large portion of viewers. All in all this has left fans of the series a trifle miffed, as they cannot seem to catch a break. Like long-time fan of the series, Her Majesty the Queen.
“I’m so sick of this prick,” said Queen Elizabeth II. “First he killed off Robb, then Hodor, and now he won’t finish the books. I’ve a good mind to send Mi6 over to attach some electrodes to his gonads. If only he looked at his typewriter the same way he looks at donuts, the fat bastard.”
Considering Martin has a number of shiny objects to distract him at present – a prequel of the TV show that most fans were mad at being the main one – it appears GOT fans are simply shit out of luck and have to wait for an out-of-shape elderly man with a sedentary lifestyle to live long enough to finish two more books.
“I bet he dies first eating a bucket of KFC. This does suck donkeys balls,” huffed Queen Elizabeth II.