During a family gathering last week, Hayden Tubbs (31) was keen to show everyone his new Smartwatch and all the bells and whistles it provides. Parents, grandparents, siblings, nephews and nieces all got a gander at his new gadget which was going to help him track his steps and get into shape – goals that were going to happen the following day after he enjoyed himself one last time at the family lunch. And things were going well, until he went back to the buffet table for his third plate of extra helpings when his watch started sending him personalised messages.
‘Stop eating. Put the plate down. You fat bastard,’ messaged Hayden’s watch.
Trying to hide this from the group didn’t quite work out for young Hayden, as each time his watch had something to say it let out a loud beep so everyone could hear.
‘Jesus tap dancing Christ! Give your chair a break and stand up,’ beeped the watch.
Taking it all in stride, Hayden eventually shared the messages with the gathering and they had a good laugh – especially when he went back to the buffet a fifth time and his watch overheated and shut down.
Good luck with the diet and steps, Hayden. Remember, your watch is watching.
Most highly accomplished actors have gone through amazing transformations for their roles – Matthew McConaughey, Christian Bale, Matt Damon to name a but a few – but our very own Russell Crowe is no slouch either. One minute you get fit Russ, then you get crazy Russ assaulting staff, then you get fat Russ and today must be our lucky day because we get fat and crazy Russ who’s back in the news for yelling at hospitality staff once again.
Turns out Russ was going through his credit card bill from a Beverly Hills restaurant he frequents and found a charge he is 100% sure that’s not his – a green salad. Once Russell spotted the error, he was quick to call and lay into them like they were a tray of meat pies at a Sunday picnic.
“I definitely didn’t order a God damn salad!” wheezed Russell Crowe (57). “The two entrees, and the three steak mains were mine. And the lobster dessert – yeah, that’s all good. Yeah, nah, the three bottes of wine too – I’m copping to all of that. But what’s this $14.00 for a house salad bullshit? It’s just not on!”
Wanting to keep Russell happy, and not to be physically assaulted by him when he’s in one of his moods, the restaurant was only too happy to refund his money and placated him with a complimentary dessert platter on his next visit. While the situation seems to be resolved, we can only hope that one day we might see fit Russ again; Lord knows we’re sure to see crazy Russ plenty more times.
On the 24th August, 79AD, the people of the Italian city of Pompeii were going about their business when Mt Vesuvius erupted spraying lava all over the town, preserving it in stone for all eternity. People holding their children, people running away and people praying is what you would expect to find in a city where tragedy had just struck. One Pompeian wasn’t going out like that, however, and instead decided to crank one out just as the volcano hit immortalising him in the act. Well, it appears his infamy took another step forward with his remains being voted the world’s best statue by you guessed it – blokes.
“It’s how I’d want to go,” said Aussie traveller, Con Teeki (31). “I mean, the guy was a legend. There was panic and pandemonium all around and cool as a cucumber he takes out the old wedding tackle and rubs one out. God bless him.”
The poll was conducted on a Tourism Board website and the Pompeii Cranker (as he is known colloquially) beat out (no pun intended) other famous courageous men like Genghis Khan, Lord Nelson and the Marine Corps Memorial. A prestigious field no of brave people no doubt, but let’s be honest – jerking off at an incoming volcano truly takes balls.
Like all dogs, Barksley Jones (5) loves feeding time and, best of all, it doesn’t matter if you serve up the same shit day-in-day-out because he will chomp it down regardless. As long as there is food in the bowl, you know that Barksley is ready to eat. We here at The DrunkenSober Chronicles caught up with Barksley to hear his take on dinner time.
‘Oh boy! Dry biscuits again!’ panted Barksley (5). ‘I can’t help myself. When I see a full bowl, I just go apeshit. Free food, delivered to me in a metal bowl by my master – what’s not to love?’
And Barksley definitely wasn’t putting it on, because he tore through that bowl like your workmates would a carton on a Friday afternoon, or Thursday, or hell – any afternoon that free piss was on offer. Once finished, Barksley nosed his dish away, drank some water and was content for the rest of the evening – until tomorrow morning when the exact same ritual starts all over again.
So if you have kids and they’re fussy eaters, here’s to all the Barksley’s out there who still love the same meal day-in-day-out. Good dogs.
In a turn of events longtime Parramatta Eels fans wouldn’t believe, diehard Bronco supporter Alan Flanger (24) took to social media last night to vent after the Broncs lost 35-6 against the Bunnies and chose the oddest target to open up to – an Eels supporter. Given that the Broncos have one wooden spoon to their name – and the Eels have 14 – you would think Alan would show a little more nouse. Alas, all that was lost on Alan as he fired up at a Parra fan claiming they were the ones who didn’t understand.
“Man, we we’re the wooden spooners last year! You have no idea,” lamented hardcore Bronco fan, Alan Flanger. “You just don’t know what it’s like. You guys came fourth – we were last. Talk to me when you’re last pal!”
While it’s true the Broncos have lost their touch, they have at least won a Premiership since the year 1986. So to all the Bronco’s fans down in the dumps right now, please spare a minute to think about how Eels fans feel – they’ve experienced this times 100.
After 10 years of watching UFC, Mike ‘Kimura’ Reynolds (32), joined is his local BJJ club last week and already feels that his complimentary three lessons have qualified him to commentate along with Joe Rogan and Daniel Cormier. Which is all well and good, except that when he comes over to your place, you are the one who has to listen to it.
“See what they’re doing here is getting into position… He needs to push off the fence… We did that move last night,” boasted Mike ‘Darce choke’ Reynolds (32).
“What? Guard?” you ask exasperated.
“See he wants to get up off the bottom,” Mike points out helpfully.
“Wow. You picked that up from three lessons, huh?”
There’s no telling how much information Mike will absorb in the next week or two before he loses interest in training and stops going, but we’re pretty sure that knowledge will last for hundreds more UFC events at your place.
For the past few weeks Melbourne Storm Coach, Craig Bellamy (61), has complained long and loud about his so-called mistreatment by the media. So much so in fact, the club has filed official complaints with the NRL and Fox Sports about their alleged ‘bashing’ of him. It appears the club take offense at the comment that the Storm implement wrestling tactics, “designed to maim and injure players.” Which is fair enough, except for the fact that the Melbourne Storm implement wrestling tactics designed to main and injure players.
While many have labelled coach Bellamy ‘Bellyache’ because of his tendency to have a whinge, his incessant media tantrum this year has led to him catching the eye of the Royal formerly known as ‘Prince Harry.’
“Coor, I do like me a complainer,” said an impressed former Prince (36). “My wife loves nothing more than whinging about the press, so when I saw Coach Bellamy doing it I thought, ‘That is definitely my type.”
While Harry is still a happily married man, Meghan may be feeling the heat now that there is someone who whinges even more than her about their treatment by the press.
Marvel’s Phase 4 is well underway with Wandavision and Falcon and the Winter Soldier hitting the small screens and the next film Black Widow set for release… err… um… God knows when… but that has not stopped the Marvel Machine from planning Phase 5. Word is the first tentpole movie will be titled ‘Avengers 7 – The Return for More Cash’. One would think Marvel has earned enough money and could leave some for the rest of us, but Kevin Feige is having none of that and appears to want it all.
“22 billion just isn’t enough – we need more!” screamed Marvel Studios President and CCO, Kevin Feige (47). “Bring back Chris Evans, Robert Downey Jr and Stan Lee!”
“But sir, Stan Lee passed away,” said a timid staffer.
“I don’t care! MORE MONEY NOW!!!” yelled Kevin, turning as purple as Thanos.
Employees at Marvel happily excuse these types of outbursts though, knowing that an integral part of Phase 5 is that their next yachts will all have helipads.
With Covid lock-downs impacting local businesses across the country, one retail outlet has taken the bold step of trying something completely new. Ipswich Harvey Norman has come up with a bold – take no prisoners – approach to fighting off the downward trend in retail and has bravely decided to try having a sale this weekend. That’s right, for the first time ever Harvey Norman will be having a sale!
“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous. It’s a big move. I ran it past head office and it took them a week to get back to me, that’s how unheard of this approach is. I’m sure they were just as unsure as I am. Who knows? If this works, we might try it every weekend,” said retail owner, Norm Harvey (52).
Understandably Norm has every right to feel nervous, it is never easy being the first person to try something new, but it’s innovators like him who end up changing the world and how we do things.