Producers worry Carmela Soprano lacks enough criminal know-how to play Hillary Clinton

edie-hillary-1392x884-1The next American Crime Story series will feature the Clinton family – a great choice – and playing the world’s biggest runner-up in a Presidential election will be none other than Carmela Soprano herself, actress Edie Falco. Falco is without question a seasoned and accomplished actress, but word is Executives behind the scenes are worried she may not have enough depth of knowledge to play such criminal mastermind.

“Well, she did play a mobster boss’ wife for six and a half seasons but I’m just not sure that is enough immersion in the criminal underworld to understand a crook like Hillary,” said Hollywood Producer, Lay Backonmacouch (45). “I mean Tony Soprano went to jail, had his house raided and ended up in handcuffs a couple of times on the show which is all amateur hour stuff – Hillary is a consummate pro with zero arrests and links to over 50 different dead bodies throughout her time.”

While Carmela certainly understands the criminal underworld, Producers are right to be concerned when it comes to playing the most famous female criminal of all time. Luckily for her, the Studio has hired OJ Simpson as a consultant on set. Clive Owen has been cast as philandering President Bill Clinton who has been conducting his own research for the role, sleeping with a waitress, two hookers and a White House staffer yesterday in preparation.

NRL fans cannot wait for footy season to start so they can complain again

With the NRL season less than a week away from kick off, longtime fans are getting ready for their favourite part of the game – 26 weeks of bitching about everything. Far be it that fans should appreciate the game coming back, particularly given the interruptions and limitations that Covid brought to the league last year, no fans biggest appeal with kick off is that they get to start complaining again.

“I’m so pumped to start bitching again,” said longtime footy fan Johnno from Emerald (38). “The new uniforms, new rule changes, new Channel 9 presenters who they cut to and you think ‘Who the fuck is this?’ – there’s just so much to sink ya teeth into complaining about.”

And complain fans will. The first game hasn’t even started and fans are already upset at the draw, Cameron Smith still not picking a club and how their teams fared during the trial matches with fans registering volumes of complaints online and in person.

“I’ve already been to the Bronco’s headquarters and told anyone who’ll listen who they should sign and in which position they should play,” said Johnno. “And do you think they’ll listen? No, it’s always the same, ‘Who are you and how did you get into the player’s locker room? Security!’

Who knows what the 2021 season will bring – other than a whole lot of bitching that is? One thing is for sure though, in 26 weeks’ time not one person will have uttered the sentence, “Gee the Video Refs did a good job this year.”

In the first game of the season the Storm take on the Rabbitohs Thursday night at AAMI Park. Kick off is 7.05pm so expect the first bitch to have happened by 7.051.

Israel Folau stuns Rugby fans by signing with Super League – “Super League’s still going?”

“Didn’t that end in the 90s?” wondered casual sports fan, Flicka Channel (37).

After a strained exit from Rugby Union due to some homophobic remarks – and a pat on the back from Margaret Court – Israel Folau has found a new home playing rugby league again, which was of little surprise to sports fans and anyone who understands that cash always wins out over principles. So it was no shock when Israel was snapped up by a club looking to boost their profile and win at any cost – what was shocking though was who he signed with.

“At first when I heard he had signed with the Dragons I thought we may just turn things around this year,” said longtime Dragons fan, Flicka Channel (37). “But then I heard it wasn’t the St George Dragons, it was some Catalan Dragons in Super League and I thought the world had gone mad.”

After a brief life in Australia in the 90s, Super League disappeared from our shores never to be seen again and for guys like Flicka that means it doesn’t exist at all. 

“It must be some kind of mistake. It’s only the NRL now. Super League folded so this means Israel is now playing with Saints. Which is good news, now they might extend their unbeaten first 10 week Premier status and maybe win 12, or even 13 in a row! Wouldn’t that be something,” said a hopeful Flicka.

Unfortunately for Flicka, he has his teams mixed up which means Saints opening run will stay fixed at 10 games before they start to fold like a cheap suit on laundry day.

Man notices every conversation with his parents now resembles talking to rapper Lil Jon.

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With his parents now in their 80s, Phillip Wadeson (38) has discovered that his parents – once vibrant conversationalists – have devolved into talking and sounding like the American rapper Lil Jon.

“It was subtle at first,” said Phillip, “but now I cannot unhear the parallels.”

Taking us on a tour through his parents’ retirement home, Phillip points out that it is not just his parents who could be mistaken for the rapper.

“Watch this,” says Phil. “Hey Martha, how are you today?”

Martha: “Huh?”

Phil: “I said, ‘How are you today?’”

Martha: “What?”

Phil: “Jesus. I said, “HOW ARE YOU TODAY?”

Martha: “Oh, okay.”

Thinking this a one off, Phil’s claims turned out to be true when his parents emerged from their room and started dropping ‘huh’, ‘what’, okay’ left and right like Lil Jon was with us in the flesh.

“I’m starting to think maybe Lil Jon used to work in a retirement home and that’s how he got the idea for his whole shtick,” pondered Phil.

Rather than be annoyed be it, Phil has since embraced the situation and takes along hats and dread-lock wigs which he puts on the old people before asking them questions.

“Hey, if you’re gunna hear the same three things over and over, why not have some fun with it,” said Wadeson.

Environmentalists experience ‘End of World’ scheduling conflict.

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Environmentalists are said to be up in arms this week about a scheduling conflict caused by three of the biggest names in their religious doomsday cult totally legitimate organization that isn’t front for communism in any way, shape or form.

“It all started when Alexandra Oscario-Cortez said that we only have 12 years left to save the planet, so naturally the entire movement set their laptop and phone calendars to that date because a former bartender is without question a person who would know these sorts of things,” said Greenpeace spokesperson, Neva Hadajob (47).

“Things then got slightly confusing when Greta Thunberg – hallowed be her name – said we only have eight years left before the end. I mean, a high school dropout with no formal degree in climatology couldn’t possibly be wrong about environmental science so we all had to change the date. I mean, can somebody please just pick an end of world date and stick to it?”

Visibly confused, Neva took a deep breath before continuing to relay his tale of calendar chaos.

“But, in the same week Michael Moore came out and said we only have four years left to save the planet. He’s a comedian and an entertainer and who knows more about complex weather patterns than someone like him? I just thought the science on this was settled though?”

After voicing his doubts out loud, Neva was soon flanked warmly embraced by concerned fellow true believers and whisked into a brainwashing room designated happy space to be reassured that the end is coming, the dates are all correct until they’re not, and only more government can save us from all the mistakes governments have made thus far.

Crockery sets must match says scientists and wife who is about to punch you.

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A new study out of Australia’s centre for higher order thinking, DrunkenSober Community College, has found that there is a scientific reason why your plates and cups need to match. It’s not a cerebral reason, nor is it due to the optics involved, rather it dates back to our most primal prehistoric impulses – an aversion to pain.

Associate Professor Maffew Sheargold (pictured) has just finished an entirely worthwhile 12-month government funded study which found that the reason why crockery sets have to match comes down to ones base desire not to be punched by ones missus.

“Me study found that blokes don’t give a toss what they eat off of, or if it matches. However, once you throw a wife into the mix and try and pull that shit – you’re getting a punch in the arm straight up,” said A.P. Maffew.

The study involved 30 couples being sent to K Mart with the males given clear instructions to try and buy mismatching plates and cups. In all 30 cases, every single male was punched in the arm, with one bloke also coping a slap across the back of the head for good measure.

“Blokes got hit every single time. We also found that the more horrendous the mismatch, the harder the blokes got punched,” said A.P. Maffew.

So if you wish to avoid pain, make sure your crockery sets match fellas, because science says so.

Prac teacher relives rugby league glory days when he makes game saving tackle on eight-year-old.

Once spoken of as a future great rugby league player, by both himself AND his mum,  Needsa Notherjob (23) got the chance to relive his peak form when he walked onto the front oval of his local Primary School to do playground duty as a Prac teacher. It was five minutes to bell time when a group of Year 4 students asked him to join in a friendly game of touch and his competitive streak took over.

Hitting up on the first set of six, Needsa was able to dodge multiple 8-year-olds and score the first try, screaming, “In your face,” at the nearest kid who was stunned at the outburst. Kicking off to the opposition, the other teams best player made the entire length of the field before Needsa’s instincts kicked in and he hit a game saving tackle as the bell went and his side won 4-0.

“Mate, he went down like a bag of sh*t,” said Needsa to the Principal in his office after the game. “He should stick to handball.”

Explaining slowly that the kid was eight, and that he was a grown man, Needsa slowly realised he may have gone too hard on the poor kid who was now in sick bay. Reflecting on the day he had, Needsa remained upbeat.

“A good day all-in-all. Scored a try, stopped the tackle to win the game and got sent home early. Best of all, the Principal just called and said no need to come in tomorrow so I have the day off. Sweet!”

At some point tomorrow it may dawn on Needsa that he’s out of a job, but for now he’s too busy enjoying the high of being the best player on the field once more.

Only when the luggage carousel at the airport starts does man remember to not buy a black bag.

Standing at the luggage carousel at Sydney’s airport, Jett Starr has just returned from a fortnightly flight for work from Cairns. As Jett waits for the carousel to start, he silently wishes to the universe that his bag will come out first. As the carousel begins to move, three black bags immediately appear when Jett suddenly realises for the thousandth time that he really should pick a different coloured bag.

After 20 bags have passed him by, 19 of which are black, Jett has no clue which one is his and is now pissed off because he’s gunna have to wait right till the end and rely on everyone else to know which was is theirs and which one is his.

Seeing a bag he thinks is his, Jett steps forward only to be cut off by another passenger who is adamant it is theirs by the way they confidently stride towards it. After 20 solid minutes of waiting, and over 150 bags have been distributed, one pink Barbie bag and one black bag remain before Jett is confident which one is his.

Picking up his bag, Jett curses to himself that this will never happen again and that he’s going to buy a bright red one from now on to make sure this never happens again.

Walking past three luggage shops on the way out the airport, all with bright red bags for sale, Jett hurries off to the taxi tank where thoughts of his bag problem fade from his mind. Until the 1,002nd time this happens in a fortnight and Jett tells himself once again that he really needs a different colour bag.

Environmental protests to be banned because they’re bad for the environment.

A common trend of these past few years is large gatherings of environmental protesters marching with placards about how awful plastics and paper are. And a second common trend of these past few years is large gatherings of environmental protestors leaving massive piles of plastics and paper rubbish strewn all over the ground. It’s for this reason that a call has been made to help the environment by banning environmental protests.

Logical rational human being, Con Ensense (37), has come up with a bold initiative to help reduce litter by 400% by stopping these protestors from organising marches. If this happens, says Con, we can have an immediate positive impact on the environment – the very thing these protestors are claiming to want.

“Think about it. If they don’t march, there won’t be giant piles of rubbish left in the middle of parks and streets. This then won’t attract wildlife who can choke on the refuse and it won’t be washed down a nearby drain so it’s good for the rivers and oceans,” said Con.

Con reached out to a local environmental group to discuss his foolproof plan to help reduce littering, but was unable to decipher the autistic screeching on the other end of the phone. Thinking nothing of it, Con was not overly surprised to find a march organised outside his house an hour later (or so he was told as Con was actually at work unlike the protestors). It was not until he got home and saw the massive piles of litter that he knew protestors had been there.

At present it does not seem like Con’s idea was well received and he is going back to the drawing board for ideas on how to reduce litter, right after he cleans up the two tonnes of rubbish left by environmentalists.