Gone are the days when Santa would get a few choc chip cookies and a glass of milk – or if he was visiting Australia, a can of beer to boot – as Millennials are leaving out their national dish: the avocado. It turns out that overweight old men in red jumpsuits no longer like a sweet treat, they much prefer a healthier overpriced alternative, says Millennial spokesperson, Xander Maycroft, 26, as he laid out two pieces of avocado toast for the jolly red fat man.
“Santa is different now. He’s more imag… health conscious, so he makes sure he eats all the foods that the cool kids eat,” said Xander, from his mum and dad’s home in Balmain.
Looking at the dish with trepidation, Xander’s father, Frank, 62, is unsure about the whole ordeal. “Look, I get that kids always do things differently, I’ve got no problem with that. It’s just that Xander’s 26 and should know by now that Santa isn’t real. And that it’s also about time he moved out and got a bloody job. I can’t keep affording his three avocado’s a day habit,” said an exasperated Frank.
As the lights dimmed in the Maycroft household, the avocado toast lay on the bench untouched, even as Frank passed it numerous times on the way to the fridge to get a beer and a handful of cookies.
“I ain’t eating that shit,” said Frank, hoisting the family cat, Ginger, onto the bench for a sniff. Unimpressed, Ginger decided that she wasn’t having any of it either and went back to good old-fashioned Whiskas biscuits in her personally monogramed dish.
Before retiring to bed, Frank threw the avocado toast in the bin after laying out the perfect gift for his 26-year-old son – a suitcase for him to move out of home with. When Xander opened the suitcase the next morning, he was unsure what to make of the luggage and the strange pamphlet inside: ‘How to ween off avocado. A Millennial self-help guide.’