After losing his UFC title, a stunned Tyron Woodley said Kamaru Usman’s pressure was like a Nigerian email scam – relentless.

“He hit me like a wall of emails!” said the former champ.

Tyron Woodley said his five rounds with Kamaru Usman was like a bad dream, as the Nigerian showed off his countries signature trait – relentless pressure.

“The plan was to come at him non-stop like a Nigerian email scam – just pressure, pressure, pressure – and it worked,” said new champ, Usman.

“He came at me from all angles, by the end of the third round I had no answer and mentally said to myself, ‘Sure. You can have my bank account details’,” said a deflated Woodley.

Not only did Woodley have a train run on him, another American Top Team alumni – Ben Askren – also had a bad day at the office. It wasn’t the incorrect stoppage, nor the pounding he took early in his fight with Robbie Lawler that was so bad, rather it was when the 34-year-old removed his shirt to reveal a 50-year-old dad bod.

“By God that was jarring. How do you train with Tyron Woodley, one of the most muscular competitors at 170, and look like you’ve never met a sit up?” asked John Morgan, the ringside blue shirt guy.

“I just don’t get how you can share the same gym space as Woodley, wrestle with him, and watch him do weights daily and think to yourself, ‘Yeah. I really should eat more Ben & Jerries?’”

A current online poll asking which was worse – Woodley’s lose or Askren’s jelly centre – has it 76% for Askren’s dad bod. As Tyron embarks upon the long road back to the title, he can take comfort in knowing his loss could have been worse.

Published by Brian Rowe

Brian lives in Queensland with his wife and [insert Councilly approved number of] cats and dogs. Has been described as handsome, charming, intelligent... and his mum also said, “He’s a very good boy.”

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