Feminist says men cannot resuscitate women without their consent. CPR courses will now focus on what men can do to fill time while women lay dying.

Feminist spokeswom… person, Ariel Karnt, is angry. Not her every minute, ever hour, every day usual anger – no, this time she means it.

“If a man resuscitates a woman without her consent, that is sexual assault,” shrieked Ariel. “He needs her expressed permission to touch her on the chest. If he doesn’t have it, hands off!”

“Ever since this new regulation came in thanks to the Women’s movement – wait, isn’t that discriminatory or offensive to people who aren’t women? I have no idea – anyway thanks to that organization, we’ve have to make some major changes to our training courses,” said First Aid instructor, John Q. Normal.

Participants in John’s First Aid course gather to practice standing by and observing a female heart attack victim as she lays dying.

“Right. This lady is dying, and you can’t get her permission because she’s unconscious, what can we do?” asks John.

Some answers from the group included: “Go to the pub,” “Go get ice cream,” and “Go through her purse.”

“All good answers people – er, maybe not the robbery one. Now enough time has passed that she would be dead. Moving on. If the person is male though, well it doesn’t matter about consent, so I will now teach you how to do CPR. Wait, isn’t that sexist to do CPR on men and not women? I swear I don’t know anymore.”

Published by Brian Rowe

Brian lives in Queensland with his wife and [insert Councilly approved number of] cats and dogs. Has been described as handsome, charming, intelligent... and his mum also said, “He’s a very good boy.”

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