Once again, Hillary Clinton says she is not running in 2020. Translation – she’s totally running.

“My precious,” said Hillary, salivating over the White House.

As sure as a fat man will say yes to ordering dessert, Hillary Clinton will say yes to running a third time in 2020. How can anyone be so certain? By how hard Hillary is denying she will run again.

“The old joke about how do you know a politician is lying holds true here. How do we know Hillary is lying? Her lips are moving,” said political commentator, Baby Kisser, of Kansas. “She’ll let all the other candidates destroy each other. Then, once the herd has been thinned – and the Dems are crying out for a different candidate – she’ll enter the race acting like she’s some kind of saviour.”

Considering she lost in 2008, and lost again in 2016, perhaps she thinks the third time is a charm. In a nation unfamiliar with cricket though, what she fails to realise is that the third time is more likely to be a hat trick.

“Well she’s unliked, untrusted by the public, has a long record of lying, has poor health, and her husband has a track record of chasing more skirt than gusts of wind, so I’m not quite sure what she thinks she brings to the table. She’d be pretty much a 6-to-4 on favourite to lose,” said election strategist, Phil Mapockets, of Washington D.C.

“Lord knows why she doesn’t save herself the embarrassment and ridicule and stay home. But it’s pretty obvious she wants that job more than Gollum wants the one ring,” said Phil, with a science fantasy reference that suggests he didn’t go on many dates in high school.

One person who’s definitely looking forward to her running again is President Trump, who is a world class troll. “Last time she claimed she lost due to hacking, and it’s true. Totally true. Did you see her? At plenty of campaign speeches she went, ‘Cough cough cough’,” laughed the orange one.

“Stay home and count your millions Hillary, let someone with a chance of winning run,” begged lifelong Democrat voter, Freely Taxyourincome. “For a generation raised on iPads, a third run by you would be like offering the kids a Commodore64.”

Note: for our younger readers a Commodore64 is a really old computer.

Published by Brian Rowe

Brian lives in Queensland with his wife and [insert Councilly approved number of] cats and dogs. Has been described as handsome, charming, intelligent... and his mum also said, “He’s a very good boy.”

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