In February of 2018, Oscar winning actress Jennifer Lawrence declared that she was taking a year off to “fix our democracy”. An unselfish move, one that had nothing to do with the critical panning of her film ‘Mother’, J-Law set herself an almost unachievable goal by stating publicly that she would fix democracy. But, forcing us to eat humble pie, J-Law has done just that in less than the time it takes for a baby elephant to gestate. “Gun control, the border issue, universal health care, government corruption. I’ve fixed all this and it’s not even March yet!”
Amazingly, J-Law has a lot to be proud of. In the time she made her announcement, America has experienced record low unemployment, particularly in the African American and Mexican community. She’s also worked wonders in negotiating a lasting peace between North and South Korea, renegotiated a North American Free Trade Agreement, and made great progress with in trade deals between the U.S.A. and China, imposing new tariffs which will help benefit American workers. Recent polls show that 874% of all voters attribute these milestones to J-Law taking time off from acting.
Ever the humble multi-millionaire who lives in an exclusive wealthy area of Los Angeles, J-Law refuses to take all the credit for these amazing feats. “I’d like to take all the credit here, but I can’t. All credit to the boys,” she said proudly.
After her latest accomplishment, bringing troops home from the conflict in Syria, one cannot help wonder what amazing feat J-Law will pull off next. “I was thinking about World Peace. Or doing a reno on me bathroom. Either or,” the starlet said. Whichever she chooses, we here at the Drunkensober Chronicle are confident she will achieve it. God Bless you Jennifer Lawrence. Only you could single-handedly save democracy.
Editor’s note: we are unsure why she chose the word ‘democracy’ as America is a Constitutional Republic, not a democracy. As J-Law clearly could not have been wrong, we attribute this to the Founding Fathers using the wrong terminology on July 4, 1776.