Local dishevelled drunk man’s guide to drinking this St Patrick’s Day.

Like an athlete in training, local dishevelled drunk man Ron Orchid has put in the time in his gym – aka any and every pub – and is ready for a big St Pat’s day. And to help you have a safe Irish drinking festival, here are Ron’s tips.

Tip 1: unlike wearing a ‘Black Power’ badge during Black history month, or wearing a ‘I love tacos’ t-shirt during Día de Muertos, anything green will instantly give you Irish cred. And if you can’t find anything green, just do a lot of stumbling.

Tip 2: remember that judging a person by the colour of their skin is bad, but if there is a white guy boxing on the tele in the pub, label him ‘Fighting Irish’ and support him unquestionably (even if his name is actually Giovanni Cannelloni).

Tip 3: be sure to memorise at least three famous Irishmen and name drop constantly. Names like Connor McGregor, Paddy from every Irish joke ever told, and the Leprechaun off the breakfast cereal ‘Lucky Charms’ will be sure to impress.

Tip 4: with a rich history of brilliant poetry- including Yeats, Wilde and Joyce – constantly repeat the only Irish phrase anyone remembers: “To be sure, to be sure, to be sure.” Irish people love that.

Tip 5: make sure you only drink traditional Irish beverages all day ie. Guinness, whisky, and whatever someone shouts you.

Tip 6: lastly, try to score as many free drinks as possible. When it comes your time to shout, say that you would but on this day, out of respect for your Irish brethren, you refuse to carry money with an English monarch on it. It should work at least half the time.

Stay drunk, youngsters.

Published by Brian Rowe

Brian lives in Queensland with his wife and [insert Councilly approved number of] cats and dogs. Has been described as handsome, charming, intelligent... and his mum also said, “He’s a very good boy.”

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