New teaching model sees teachers skip uni and four years of two-minute noodles.

“But they’ll miss out on cheap beer prices too!”

A new teacher training method, the ‘Clinical teaching’ model, is being trialled in Australia and not everyone is happy. The model, which involves trainee teachers spending 1-2 days of paid work on class, then being educated on site at their actual school, has raised concerns with some leading academics, like Associate Professor Maffew Sheargold (pictured).

Associate Professor Maffew Sheargold

“This is bullshit, hey,” said A.P. Sheargold from DrunkenSober Community College. “Kids need to go to uni to learn how to hold their piss. This is an important rite of passage in our culture. Our teachers are one of the four pillars of our alcohol industry – along with politicians, journalists, and customer service staff – and lead the way in wine sales. What worries me is that these kids may not be up to the task if they miss those vital formative years of home brew making and Goon of Fortune.”

The alcohol industry is not alone in these concerns, with our food suppliers expressing doubts as well. “If these youngsters start earning real money straight away, the entire bottom will fall out of the two-minute noodle industry. It will be a disaster,” said businesswoman, Iva Buttloadsofcash. “Supermarket pizza, cups of soup, and NoDoz tablets will all face a drop in sales if these kids skip going to uni.”

Lastly, and perhaps the most important group of all to voice their concerns, is the Council of Clinical Psychologists, who express serious reservations about the long-term consequences of missing university. 

“What happens when you have an entire generation of teachers who have never learned how to procrastinate? The implications of that could be far-reaching,” said Psychologist, Uva Screwloose.

For now, the ‘Clinical teaching’ model is only a trial, with a few places giving it a run. Good news for the critics like A.P. Sheargold, who say they only have the students best interests at heart. “The worst part is these kids will miss out on buying me textbooks! This is a disaster,” said A.P. Maffew.

Published by Brian Rowe

Brian lives in Queensland with his wife and [insert Councilly approved number of] cats and dogs. He has been described as handsome, charming, intelligent... and his mum also said, “He’s a very good boy.”

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