Labor Party plan to tax food. Saturday night drunken kebabs to balance the budget within five years.

“If we put a 100% tax on kebabs on Saturday nights, we’ll have more cash than those countries who haven’t sold off all their assets,” said Labor pencil pusher, Toby Buttons (56).

Opposition leader Bill Shorten has proposed a bold new tax plan in anticipation on the Coalitions 2019 Budget tonight – a pay as you eat tax.

Aimed at helping reduce food consumption to limit our impact on the environment, the tax would see everyday Aussies cut back on chowing down due to increased food costs.

“Less people eating meat, the less cows there are. The less cows there are, the less cow farts. And cow farts release methane into the atmosphere which is bad for the environment,” said Mr Shorten, tapping his temple, pretending to know what he is talking about.

Although aimed at helping the environment, Labor number crunches were quick to realise that a food tax could help balance the budget thanks to one particular meal – the drunken Saturday night kebab.

“If we put a 100% tax on kebabs on Saturday nights, we’ll have more cash than those countries who haven’t sold off all their assets,” said Labor pencil pusher, Toby Buttons (56).

While this proposed plan seems positive all round, ex-Labor leader Kim Beasley is dead against it. Speaking from a teleconference call at Rockhampton Sizzlers, one of the few remaining in Australia, Kim was on his fourth helping when he took the call.

“This is an outrage,” belched Kim, after loading his plate with Sizzler cheese toast. “If they bring this plan in, I’ll be broke by the end of the week.”

As of right now, all eyes are on the Coalition Budget tonight to see what they offer to counter this proposal.

Published by Brian Rowe

Brian lives in Queensland with his wife and [insert Councilly approved number of] cats and dogs. Has been described as handsome, charming, intelligent... and his mum also said, “He’s a very good boy.”

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