Aussie terrorist begs Australian government to come home. Help not forthcoming as translators struggle over ‘Garn get fucked’ response.

Sydney born terrorist, Mahir Absar Alam, left Australia in 2014 to join Islamic State and now wants to return home. Only problem is, in true Aussie tradition, the country feels he can go and get fucked.

Mahir Absar Alam claims he has never committed any atrocities with the terrorist group, and that he has had second thoughts about his life choices and now suddenly wants to play nice.

The problem for Mahir is that evidence revealed he travelled to Syria in 2014 and is a fervent supporter of Islamic State. “Yeah nah, that was a mix up with me Contiki Tour booking. I never came over here to do bad stuff. When I heard that was a lot of people getting stoned, I thought it was of the Orchy bottle variety,” served up Mahir, in front of an Australian journalist who wasn’t buying what he was shovelling. “I just really need Australia to help a brother out,” pleaded Mahir.

Playing it smart, Mahir referenced an event that he feels will pull on the heartstrings of Westerners everywhere – ISIS destroyed his hard drive and he can no longer watch Game of Thrones. “I’ll never find out how the show ends! Please, what if it was you? Have a heart.”

Mahir is so desperate, he has even stated that if he is allowed to come back to Australia, he is prepared to move back in with his parents. “That’s how badly I want to come home, I’ll live with mum and dad again. I’ll listen to dad’s racist comments, I’ll put up with mum fussing over me like I’m a child. Please, let me come home.”

Despite numerous cries for assistance, no help has been forthcoming from the Australian government, other than to send a response which Syrian translators are still struggling with. “What does ‘Garn get fucked mean?” asked ISIS spokesman, Mebeen Jihading.

Published by Brian Rowe

Brian lives in Queensland with his wife and [insert Councilly approved number of] cats and dogs. He has been described as handsome, charming, intelligent... and his mum also said, “He’s a very good boy.”

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