Scott Morrison adds AFL’s Dustin Martin to his security after being rushed by protesters.

On Monday, Prime Minister Scott Morrison was at the Brisbane nightclub ‘Cloudland’ for a lunchtime speaking event when a group of 10 protesters – wearing clever disguises of suits and ties so they would blend in with all the other wankers – erupted with an environmental protest.

Flashing red ‘No Adani mine’ signs, the PM turned as crimson as their placards after being caught unawares. Aiming to rectify the situation quick smart, so that he doesn’t have to stand anywhere near unemployed people ever again, the Prime Minister’s office was quick call the Richmond Football club to hire Dustin Martin. And Dusty – or the Defendant as he is often known to the AFL judiciary – was only too quick to answer the call.

“Yeah, I’ll sort those cunts out,” said Dustin, before spitting and sparking up a durrie in Parliament House. “ScoMo saw what I did on the weekend, like the old flying elbow when no one’s looking, so he knows I could have leveled them all quick smart.”

Impressed by Dustin’s care-free attitude, ScoMo hopes that from this point forward his security concerns are a thing of the past. “Dustin is a fine young man who eats lots of meat, so I’m sure he’ll have no troubles taking out 10 weak vegans,” said the PM.

Dusty was not the only upgrade to the Prime Minister’s security detail, as it will now become mandatory for any Liberal Party event attendee to eat three lamb chops prior to entry to prove their bona fides. Smart thinking, ScoMo.

Published by Brian Rowe

Brian lives in Queensland with his wife and [insert Councilly approved number of] cats and dogs. Has been described as handsome, charming, intelligent... and his mum also said, “He’s a very good boy.”

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