After a seven-year battle with the Balrog, Julian Assange re-emerges as Julian the White.

Last seen battling a giant Balrog and disappearing into Moria’s underworld seven years ago, Julian Assange reemerged yesterday more powerful than ever – as Julian the White.

Determined to help a collection of small Hobbits on their quest to destroy the One Ring, Julian Assange has sworn to use his new-found powers for good, as well as dumping the odd Wikileaks document on the trip to Modor. The DrunkenSober Chronicle was able to catch up with Julian the White to hear some of his plans for the near future.

“Well, obviously we have to destroy the one ring first. Then I’ll probably escort the Hobbits back to the shire – they’re basically useless without adult supervision – then it’ll be catching up on everything I missed in these past seven years,” said the white wizard.

Game of Thrones, Twitter, New South Wales actually winning a State of Origin series, Julian the White is looking forward to finding out what’s changed in the world he has now rejoined.

“I heard my beard is now in fashion, so that’s cool,” said Julian the White. “And what about the Orcs? Any invasions on the horizon? Wait. What? That’s considered racist now?”

Julian the White is said to be confident his new powers will help him avoid prosecution in a U.S. Court, just as sure as his outfit of a white robe and staff protects all wearers from advances by the opposite sex.

Published by Brian Rowe

Brian lives in Queensland with his wife and [insert Councilly approved number of] cats and dogs. He has been described as handsome, charming, intelligent... and his mum also said, “He’s a very good boy.”

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