After seven years in self-imposed confinement in the Ecuadorean Embassy, Julian Assange was dragged from the embassy and placed under arrest. Despite nearly a decade of protection provided by Ecuador, it seems Assange’s hipster ways were the straw that broke the camel’s back.
Speaking with Ecuadorean President Lenin Moreno, the DrunkenSober Chronicle has discovered the real reason behind Assange being kicked out like a flat mate who keeps stealing your Milo.
“Officially we’re saying he interfered with our countries’ affairs and was rude to the staff, but the truth of the matter is you can only put up with a hipster for so long. The vinyl records, the retro movies, the chia seeds – my God, the obsession with chia seeds! And nearly every surface he touched in that place had traces of beard wax smeared everywhere. Yuck,” said President Moreno.
While the sight of Assange’s unused work boots and manly beard on his girlish body annoyed the consulate staff, it appears it was his addiction to avocado’s that was the deal breaker.
“In the end it was pretty simple. We could no longer afford his seven a day avocado habit,” said one consulate attaché. “We’re a small country and our GDP can’t support such lavish expenses.”
Assange is said to be concerned about extradition to the United States – not for his physical safety, but because President Trump has threatened to close the southern border which directly threatens their avocado imports.