Local dishevelled drunk man, Ron Orchid, isn’t overly phased about drinking on Anzac Day – let’s face it, he drinks quite heavily every day. That said, given the high volume of drinkers down the pub, Ron has graciously agreed to share his drinking wisdom to ensure everyone has a respectful Anzac Day.
Tip 1: Remember this day is all about brave Australian diggers in combat zones, stranded hundreds of miles from home, loved ones, and beer. To honour that, drink lots of beer.
Tip 2: Shout every digger in the joint.
Tip 3: Have every digger in the joint shout you.
Tip 4: If you end up talking to a Maori from New Zealand, be sure to really sound out the ‘D’ at the start of digger. Misunderstandings are often followed by headbutts.
Tip 5: Be sure to squeeze in a mid-morning spew. Trust me, you’ll need the room for all the cheap beers you’ll drink after the RSL opens at 11.00am. Besides, nothing says respect like ending up face down in your own vomit.
Tip 6: Find a dark corner in the RSL to pass out in. Hopefully the dim lighting and angle of the room will obscure you from the bouncers view and you can get a good 30-minute power nap in.
Tip 7: Wake up and do this two more times until happy hour starts at 5.00pm. That’s when the real drinking begins.
Tip 8: Be sure to wear a second shirt under your main one. This way, when you wake up in some strange place the next morning, you can throw your top shirt out and you’re ready for your work day as a Youth Councillor to begin. Cheers diggers.
Note: this speech was originally written by Ron for his local Primary school. Upon reading it, the Principal politely declined and suggested that the Drunkensober Chronicle May be a better fit.