Parents who send their kids to school with mullets will have DOCS called on them.

A new government initiative spearheaded by the Federal Government was launched yesterday, aimed at early intervention by the Department of Community Services. Rather than wait for complaints of neglect by parents towards their kids, the Department will now be taking a proactive approach by identifying one key indicator in young children – mullet haircuts.

“There are many telltale signs of neglect towards a child,” said DOCS worker, Heather Yairs (34). “And the largest and most glaring is of course the mullet haircut.”

Based on the latest cutting research out of Drunkensober Community College, Associate Professor Maffew Sheargold (pictured), was only too happy to explain.

“Mullet haircuts are synonymous with smoking Winnie Blues and watching motor sports. The aim here is for the government to step in before the kid becomes too much of a yobbo,” said A.P. Sheargold.

Sound thinking, the plan would involve teaching these young kids that there are fashions other than ripped blue jeans with flannos tied around their wastes, and that there are in fact different beverages than tinnies of VB.

Beginning first thing next week, teachers in State Schools will be provided charts with varying mullet lengths and rates of urgency to contact DOCS.

“A rats tail is okay, but when it becomes a rats tail mullet – known as a ‘rullet’ – that is a slippery slope. A shaved head and a mullet is too late, the bogan has already seeped into the woodwork there, so it’s on teachers to make the call before that happens,” said A.P. Sheargold.

Published by Brian Rowe

Brian lives in Queensland with his wife and [insert Councilly approved number of] cats and dogs. He has been described as handsome, charming, intelligent... and his mum also said, “He’s a very good boy.”

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