After yet another incident involving excessive drinking in Australia, Americans wonder why we just don’t ban alcohol.

“Won’t someone please think of the children?,” asked American, Shay Kerhead (31).

After an alcohol fuelled weekend, where teenagers and adults were admitted to emergency departments across Australia to have their stomachs pumped and cuts from fights stitched up, Americans have been left to wonder at our collective inaction.

America has strict drinking laws that prohibit anyone under the age of 21 from drinking or obtaining alcohol. Plus, their beer is as weak as piss and it’s virtually impossible to get drunk off of. Which may explain why a large portion of the population over there cannot help but wonder at our callousness and disregard for people’s safety.

“I just don’t get why Australian’s don’t ban alcohol. I mean, what do you need it for?” asked American, Shay Kerhead (31). “We have strict laws in place which prevent anyone under 21 from drinking alcohol and as far as we know, no one in our history has ever tried to buy it let alone sneak a drink whilst not legal but things are out of control in Australia.”

Naturally such cries brought a swift response from the NRA – The National Regulators of Alcohol – who were quick to point out that across Australia, millions of law-abiding drinkers shouldn’t be punished for the actions of crazies and “blokes who can’t handle their piss”.

“This is an outrage. Our cultures are completely different. You can’t just ban alcohol outright,” said NRA spokesperson, Garn Getfukt (56).

Such a response hasn’t prevented Shay and her friends from posting anti-alcohol memes and calling for stricter drinking laws because, according to Americans like Shay, once you pass a law everyone obeys it and the problem goes away.

Until Australians act, it seems the entire country of America will hold us in contempt for not doing something about our excessive drinking. Shame on us.

Published by Brian Rowe

Brian lives in Queensland with his wife and [insert Councilly approved number of] cats and dogs. Has been described as handsome, charming, intelligent... and his mum also said, “He’s a very good boy.”

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