Like anyone in a nightclub after seven drinks, the Australian Army has severely lowered their standards when it comes to recruiting people with basic math skills. But at present, they’re even having to say no.

“I thought things were bad 10 years ago, but we’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel now”, said Major Yellinyourface (45). “I kid you not – one of our entry questions is, ‘If you have 2 oranges, how many oranges do you have? Hint – pick any number between 1 and 3.’ And even then half of the new recruits get it wrong.”

Searching for an answer for falling mathematical standards, the Major approached a local State School for answers.

“Well, it all started when we began to dumb down the curriculum and invent new math classes”, said teacher A. Nonymous (32). “It used be 4, 3 and 2 Unit Maths. Then they made General Maths. Then they went even lower and made Maths is Society, which everyone – including the teachers – call ‘Maths in Space.’”

“It’s true”, said teacher N. Otgivingyoumyname (27). “I was supervising a math’s exam one time and even said it out loud. I said, “2 Unit and General Maths, pens down. Maths in space, permission to land. Guess I shouldn’t have smoked bongs that day.”

Finding no bottom to the dumb math barrel, the curriculum is even lower now with the subject Maths in Practice, which explains a lot to Major Yellinyourface.

“So, what do they do in Maths in Practice?” he asked. “Basically, it’s two years of doing sums on their smartphones.”

Sighing, the Major has no option but to return to his unit and suck it up. And maybe yell in some new recruits faces.

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