Relationship “expert” Ted Tosspot (34) sits across from me in a café postulating his latest theory.
“Once upon a time, the three most important words in anyone’s life were ‘I love you.’ Times change though and with the introduction of EFTPOS everywhere this has been replaced by ‘Approved with signature’”, says Ted confidently.
And Ted’s confidence is well placed, as we surveyed a number of people in a busy CBD mall and found him not to be full of shit.
“When it comes time to pay for the weekly shopping, I always get butterflies after I put my pin in and the machine starts to think. Then, when I see those three words, my heart leaps for joy”, says Neve Needstosavemore (24).
“Whenever I buy a carton down the bottlo and I see ‘Approved with signature’, I do a little jig. I even try to push me luck and get a box of goon too, but it always knocks me back”, says Sean Spendthrift (33).
“Every time I try to buy a pack of smokes, it always says, ‘Card declined. Insufficient funds.” Which is fair enough, I mean – I’m not a millionaire”, says Bob Brokeass (29).
Ted believes romance is not dead though and that “I love you” still has a part to play in modern relationships – just not as big a one.
“You can say “I love you” over an expensive restaurant dinner, but when it comes time to pay the bill, if you don’t see ‘Approved with signature’, you may not be getting lucky afterwards”, Ted says wisely.