Dieticians have managed to pinpoint the exact location where people’s diets fall apart – the staffroom table.

It seems New Years resolutions and the best of intentions are no match for the good old workplace staffroom table, which snares more victims than a carefully laid military ambush. No matter how planned a diet is in someone’s head, when they enter the staffroom and find tasty treats laid out they surrender faster than a French infantry division in the face of underwhelming odds.

“It was Monday morning, and I was a good two hours into my new diet, when I entered the staffroom and things immediately went sideways,” said Primary school teacher, Beverly Morris (41). “I had packed a kale sandwich and a wheat grass shake – neither of which I was looking forward to – when before me was a spread of finger buns, pikelets, and little boys on a plate with tomato sauce. Needless to say, the kale went in the bin and the pikelets in my mouth.”

Turns out a strategically placed cake or and slice on a staffroom table has taken down more diets than eight beers and an Uber ride past McDonalds. Like a fish who sees bait, or a rat who smells cheese, a treat-laden table in a common room is the human version of a carefully laid trap that the majority of us seem to walk right into.

So, if you’re planning on making your average Monday morning diet last longer than lunchtime, do your best to stay the hell away from the staffroom. Otherwise, the site of anything other than your bland, soy-based treats will set you straight back to thinking, ‘Maybe next Monday.’

Published by Brian Rowe

Brian lives in Queensland with his wife and [insert Councilly approved number of] cats and dogs. Has been described as handsome, charming, intelligent... and his mum also said, “He’s a very good boy.”

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