Study finds mums favour daughters, dads favour sons, dogs love everyone, while cats just don’t give a shit.


While it makes sense that males would favour males, and females would favour females, a new study from Australia’s leading centre for brainiacs – Drunkensober Community College – has found that cats just don’t care who you are.

Associate Professor Maffew Sheargold (pictured) has taken time out from his most recent study into how many pingers he can take on a Saturday night and still function enough to open a wine bottle, to discover that deep down cats don’t give a toss about you.

“I was watching the girlfriends cat after a few pingers on Saturdee night, when I had an epiphany – the cat wouldn’t come when I called it. That’s when it dawned on me, cats just don’t give a shit,” said A.P. Sheargold.

Although pretty much the entire population of earth who’ve actually met a cat know this, it hasn’t stopped A.P. Sheargold from applying for grants which have already started rolling in.

“Well, I’ve been an academic long enough to know how the system works. See, just applying to study cats indifference towards humans isn’t enough without a few buzzwords. So I wrote some words down on separate pieces of paper, screwed ‘em up and drew them out of a bowl and that’s how I got $745,000 to study transgender feminist lesbian dance theory within the cat community and its impact on global warming.”

Although the scientific community already know that cats are stand-offish and self-centered, we look forward to reading all about it once Maffew finishes his study.

“Hold on, if I use black cats in the study I reckon I’ll crack a million! Time to celebrate with some pingers.”

Published by Brian Rowe

Brian lives in Queensland with his wife and [insert Councilly approved number of] cats and dogs. He has been described as handsome, charming, intelligent... and his mum also said, “He’s a very good boy.”

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