Shark attacks on the rise. Anyone who’s ever interacted with a surfer not displeased at the news.

Shark attacks are on the rise around Australia and the general public couldn’t give a toss.

“You mean obnoxious pricks are getting bitten? Great,” said Dad Dadson, 47 of Orange.

“I brought me kids down for their first swim at the beach and this surfer dropped in and nearly ran them over screaming that this was “his wave”, said Dadson. “Hope you get snacked on.”

“There I was laying down to work on my tan, and this surfer snapperhead screamed at me that they “hate tourists”. I’m not a tourist, I’m just really white”, said Loretta Liquidpaper (27), of Cronulla. “Ironically, surfers are forever making the ‘hang loose’ hand signal when they’re really nothing but uptight arseholes. I’m rooting for the sharks now.”

Not only are people supporting shark attacks, some even see them as a kind of community service.

“If more arseholes are in the hospital it means less people get abused on the beach’, said Police Chief Martin Brody (51). “If you think about it, sharks are doing us a favour, really.”

Initially shocked at such a callous feeling from the community, I came to share their worldview when a surfer plonked his board down in a car spot I was aiming for and declared it his, telling me to “piss off” and calling me their favourite slur, a “tourist”. At the writing of this article, I too am 100% pro-shark. Go the sharkies!

Published by Brian Rowe

Brian lives in Queensland with his wife and [insert Councilly approved number of] cats and dogs. Has been described as handsome, charming, intelligent... and his mum also said, “He’s a very good boy.”

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