Environment

Environmental protests to be banned because they’re bad for the environment.

“If we ban these protests we’ll reduce litter by 400%,” said rational human being, Con Ensense (37).

A common trend of these past few years is large gatherings of environmental protesters marching with placards about how awful plastics and paper are. And a second common trend of these past few years is large gatherings of environmental protestors leaving massive piles of plastics and paper rubbish strewn all over the ground. It’s for this reason that a call has been made to help the environment by banning environmental protests.

Logical rational human being, Con Ensense (37), has come up with a bold initiative to help reduce litter by 400% by stopping these protestors from organising marches. If this happens, says Con, we can have an immediate positive impact on the environment – the very thing these protestors are claiming to want.

“Think about it. If they don’t march, there won’t be giant piles of rubbish left in the middle of parks and streets. This then won’t attract wildlife who can choke on the refuse and it won’t be washed down a nearby drain so it’s good for the rivers and oceans,” said Con.

Con reached out to a local environmental group to discuss his foolproof plan to help reduce littering, but was unable to decipher the autistic screeching on the other end of the phone. Thinking nothing of it, Con was not overly surprised to find a march organised outside his house an hour later (or so he was told as Con was actually at work unlike the protestors). It was not until he got home and saw the massive piles of litter that he knew protestors had been there.

At present it does not seem like Con’s idea was well received and he is going back to the drawing board for ideas on how to reduce litter, right after he cleans up the two tonnes of rubbish left by environmentalists.

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