Handy pub guide rates Irish bars based on how many security guards they need for a 10.00am opening.

A handy pub guide in today’s newspaper’s is helping those who wish to celebrate St Patrick’s Day in style by rating pubs based off how many bouncers it needs at opening time. Local Irish beer connoisseur, Mick ‘Fifth Generation Irish’ Michealson (21), helped the media put this guide together after his extensive research into frequenting – and being thrown out of – Irish pubs.

“It’s all about the bouncers see?’ said Mick, decked head to toe in green attire with multiple Shamrock tattoos and zero trace of an Irish accent. “If an Irish pub doesn’t have any bouncers out front at 10.00am, it might as well be a Bingo hall.”

Perusing the map for today’s hot tips, Mick lands on a few known hot spots.

“Here, here and here – all three of those pubs in the city have at least 3 bouncers on at opening time. That’s where you want to be for all the ‘crack’” he says in a thick Aussie accent, making you think he’s referring to the drug and not the good time.

So, if you’re looking for a cracking time with some biff today, follow Mick ‘Fifth generation Irish’ Michaelson’s advice. Oh and if you notice him about after 11.15am, he asked if see him face down in a gutter if you’d kindly help move him off the curb.

Published by Brian Rowe

Brian lives in Queensland with his wife and [insert Councilly approved number of] cats and dogs. He has been described as handsome, charming, intelligent... and his mum also said, “He’s a very good boy.”

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