Father of a newborn, Terry Wellington (35), has experienced his first children’s birthday party and is somewhat concerned with the outcome. Made to attend by his wife, Kate (35), Terry was informed in no-uncertain terms that he is expected to attend all children’s birthday parties from here on out so that parents will turn up when it is time for their child’s party. Only problem is, with 30+ women at the party, Terry couldn’t help notice there were only three other dads there.
“I shot straight for the corner where the dads were sneaking a few beers in when the wives weren’t looking,” said Terry. “They embraced me as one of their own, but pointed out that they’re the only three dads who turn up – ever.”
Wondering how 90% of the other dad’s got away with not attending, Terry found at least half do shift work, another 30% were separated, while the rest were just out-and-out deadbeats who didn’t give a toss. Slightly intimidated by the new experience, the other dad’s took Terry under their wing and guided him straight to the barbeque.
“Greg taught me it’s important to look busy right away otherwise the wives find things for you to do and or/shoot you dirty looks,” said Terry. “John showed me this neat trick where they hide their empties to make it look like they’re only ever on their first beer. And Chris invited me to join their kids party dad’s chat group so I did. It’s made up of those three dads and over 27 who’ve left the conversation,” said Terry.
For now, Terry’s first kids party wasn’t too bad and he’s semi-looking forward to the next one until his wife told him there’s a party this coming Saturday, followed by two this coming Sunday. Saying farewell to golf and fishing trips for the next 18 years, Terry let out a sigh. “Guess this is my life for the next 18 years then,” he whispered.
“What was that?” asked wife Kate from the next room.
“Nothing, dear,” said Terry quickly. “Kids parties here we come.”
In any big city people often come across a lone individual talking – sometimes yelling – at themselves. When first spotted, the same thought naturally enters people’s heads – what’s the go here? For Melbournite Nick Wildman, he faced this dilemma recently and was still shaken by the chance encounter.
“Yeah I was on my way to work past Flinders Street Station and that’s when this guy appeared talking loudly to himself. He was walking dead at me, so I had to quickly figure out what I was dealing with – was it a business arsehole or a crazy guy? Both present their own set of problems,” said Nick.
If it’s a businessman, Nick explained, you have to prepare to hear a lot of shit-talk about how “Heads will roll” or “Buy/sell” or “Sell/buy.” If it’s a crazy guy, “then you’ve got to figure out the quickest exit in case they lock onto you as the guy who stole their chocolate tricycle or whatever,” said Nick.
“Either way it’s not a pleasant experience, which is why there should be designated spots for these folks. A corner for crazy people and a corner for high-powered business arseholes to speak to other high-powered business arseholes,” said Nick.
Such a plan may sound implausible, but it would help lower the anxiety many of us feel when a lone crazy person approaches talking to themselves. The Government banned smoking in a lot of public places, why not arseholes and crazies?
It’s Sunday night and if you’re like most crash dieters, you’ve rid the house of all its junk food by binge eating throughout the weekend. With Monday morning just around the corner, it’s time to tell yourself that things are going to change tomorrow. Only problem is – if you’re like Noel Itsnot (32) – they’re not.
Noel has been in a cycle of starting a new diet every Monday for a good 10 years now, and he’s a pretty solid bet to make it to Wednesday lunch before the wheels come off. Only problem is like most people, Noel tells himself it all starts again on Monday, so he tends to live it up for the remaining four and a half days left in the week thus negating any gains made over the two and a half each week.
“Everything’s gunna change tomorrow,” said habitual self-deluder, Noel Itsnot (32). “Since I’ve blown this week, I might as well live it up because it’s all gunna change next Monday! Sure it hasn’t for 10 years straight, but I have a good feeling about tomorrow.”
So if you’re like Noel you’ll no doubt have a healthy Monday and Tuesday but you’re likely to fail by Wednesday. Don’t worry though, there’s always next Monday because that’s when things are going to change for sure!
Young Sid Spanner is pretty good at talking himself up when it comes to his fitness. Whether it be the try he almost scored at touch on Wednesday night, or his prowess in his PE class back in 2011, he reckons he’s the fittest bloke on site. Which is why it came as a bit of a shock this week when his site supervisor made him face a harsh reality, that ‘doin’ a Macca’s run’ doesn’t actually count as exercise.
“Yeah Sid’s always carrying on about how fit he is, often before and after he’s just ducked out to Macca’s for the third time that day,” said supervisor, Phil Mecoffeenow (41). “He was bragging about how good he was back in his PE days, but I had to point out to him that was eight years ago and all you do now is stuff your face with burgers and fries.”
When pressed by Phil as to the last time Sid actually did a proper run, Sid was quick to mention the touch game he played on Wednesday night. Only problem was, Sid was only on the field for five minutes before he needed a rest and a large Caramel Sundae that he felt he earned with his hard won 10m.
Having now learned that Macca’s runs don’t count as exercise, Sid has sworn he is going to get back into shape just as soon he finishes his latest extra-large Big Mac meal for morning tea.
Right across Brisbane this weekend a new PC-nonsense decree sees parents banned from cheering at their kids soccer games. It’s called ‘Silent Saturday.’ The theory is that kids can play without feeling pressure to perform. Fortunately for all involved, soccer is so uneventful that this is almost a non-issue.
“Yeah if it were AFL or League or Netball, where people score all the time, you’d have a hard time policing it. But when most matches in soccer end in 0-0 there’s little cause to celebrate,” said soccer coach, Iva Wastedmylife (46).
Naturally, a large section of the community otherwise known as ‘Not the three whingers who always ruin it for everyone else’ are unimpressed with the move labelling it ‘Silent Twaturday.’
“This is the dumbest thing to happen to kids sports since we stopped them doing spear tackles on concrete. Harden up, will ya?” said parent of the year, Mayd Tocome (35).
It’s not all bad news though as clapping is allowed – for now. Give it one complaint from an overbearing parent and watch this get banned and replaced with jazz hands and then Silent Twaturday will finally be complete – until the next complaint that is.
Genealogy – or the searching of one’s family ancestry – is losing popularity with young people and appears to be fading from view. Whether it is due to shame over past ancestors involvement in things like the Stolen Generation or slavery, it seems young people don’t give a toss about who their former family was and one theory stems from the fact that youngsters don’t really care about their current families enough to care about their former ones.
With the majority of young people burying their heads in their devices and making connections online, it appears that the new generation couldn’t be bothered looking up from their phone long enough to establish a real connection with the people they share a house with. Although this is good practice for when they move out and start sharing a flat with strangers, it’s not so great for the genealogy business which is declining by the day.
“Yes, you could say genealogy is a ‘dying art’,” chortled Lester Year (67). “You could even say it’s ‘turning over in its grave’.”
Stopping the conversation short before Lester continued with his awful death puns, it seems genealogy will need something drastic if the art form is going to survive. One thing is for sure, Lester’s shitty jokes aren’t doing it any favours.
A new study out of Australia’s premiere centre for brilliant ideas – DrunkenSober Community College – has found that around 80% of your wardrobe are clothes that you hope to fit back into. Rather than throw out clothes that no longer fit, they serve as motivation to eat right and do more exercise so you can once again wear them with pride. Only problem is, six months on from that thought, 80% of your wardrobe is still comprised of clothes you aspire to fit back into.
Having returned from a six-month study of hiding out in people’s wardrobes, Associate Professor Maffew Sheargold (pictured), made this amazing discovery.
“Yeah I’ve spent a lot of time in people’s wardrobes in the dark, and I found out two things: one, 80% of people’s wardrobes are made up of clothes they want to fit back into; and two, our restraining order process really is quite flimsy,” said A.P. Maffew.
So next time you look in your wardrobe at clothes you think you’re going to fit back into, you might want to do an honest self-inventory and pack them away to a local Op Shop. The upside is you’ll be more honest with yourself – as well as clearing away space to see if there’s an Associate Professor hiding away in there spying on you in the name of [ahem] * ‘clinical research’.
A revolutionary new dental treatment is taking Australia by storm. In recent years, dental fees have seen Australians hop on planes and fly to Asia for treatment – meaning the treatment, airfare, and accommodation all come to less than just the dentist visit in Australia – but that may be a thing of the past thanks to pre-bill pain relief.
It seems the dental industry have learned that allowing customers to walk unmedicated to the counter results in shock, followed by anger, followed by booking a flight to Thailand the next day. So, the brightest minds have collectively come up with a solution – pain medicine before you see the bill.
“It’s a great idea,” said dentist, Phil Cavity (56). “A bit of laughing gas before we show them the bill should make them happy. Of course, we’ll bill them for the extra laughing gas while we’re at it,” laughed Phil from his gold plated yacht – his weekday yacht, not his fancy weekday one with a private helipad.
Time will tell if this new approach works. When asked why Australian dentists don’t simply lower their prices, the Australian Dental Association laughed out loud – or so the butler who was chauffeured to deliver their message relayed.
Most television shows like to spruce things up after a few seasons, whether it be a new edition to the ensemble or a new challenge, and it seems that the police show ‘RBT’ is no different as they are looking at a new name change. Whilst ‘RBT’ does capture the heart of the show, with each scene involving someone being randomly breath tested, the show’s producers think they’ll be able to snare more viewers if they change the name to ‘Our legal system is a joke.’
“To be clear, what you see on camera will not change,” said TV producer, Cas Tingcouch (36). “What will change is that we’ll focus more on the outcome now and hopefully this will help with ratings.”
Focusing on the outcomes refers to the light sentences that drink drivers get, which is the most frustrating thing about the show.
“We know how to make our audience mad by showing them people who offend and get off; people who drive without a license and get off; and people who repeat offend and are high-range over the limit and receive a piss weak fine. Like in last week’s episode where police pulled over a man for his seventh drink driving conviction and we announced he was looking at a fine well over $100!”
The newly branded ‘RBT’ – now known as ‘OLSIAJ’ will launch next week and producers hope by pissing off the audience more people will tune in.