Recent data out of the National Health Institute on the rise of anxiety amongst the general population has been called into question – particularly around the methodology used to obtain information about the disorder. Polling over 1,000 people in shopping centres across the country, Doctor Bill Yalater (41) of Adelaide has questioned how these results could possibly be accurate given the very nature of people with anxiety.
“If a person suffers from anxiety is walking through a shopping centre, the last thing they are going to do is stop and talk to someone with a clipboard,” said Doctor Bill. “Anxious people tend to avoid social interaction, so by their very nature they would exclude themselves from such a survey which is meant to represent their community.”
Making a good point, the National Health Institute has declined to comment, instead dispatching more clipboard holders to further explore those who suffer anxiety. Rather than lurk in shopping centres, these clip boarders will now visit areas where more anxiety-prone people dwell, such as TABs, rugby grounds where the Wallabies are up against the All Blacks, and anywhere pot is being smoked.
A new study out of Australia’s most trusted educational institute, Drunkensober Community College, has discovered the people who start sentences with ‘The research shows’ only use studies that advance their agenda.
“It’s a common trick in academia,” said respected academic, Associate Professor Maffew Sheargold (pictured). “They find a study that suits their narrative and they beat people over the head with it.”
“Take education. Probably the most famous is “The research shows class size doesn’t matter,” yet every teacher who has ever stepped into a classroom will tell you that’s bollocks.”
And it turns out education isn’t the only area where this qualifier is abused. “Environmentalism is another. The research showed that there would be no more polar ice by 2013, according to Al Gore. Low and behold, bullshit.”
The worst offenders it seems, however, are politicians where the research shows they deserve a pay rise every year when clearly they don’t. According to A.P. Maffew, nothing can stop the mis-quoting and abuse of academic studies. And how does he know?
Jump on the internet today and you will find no shortage of articles lamenting the generation known as Millennials. Entitled, spoilt, low resistance, addicted to technology, no understanding of how tough life can be – these are just some of the complaints you will find. However, children aren’t raised in a vacuum and one child-rearing expert has finally pointed the finger at the other half of the problem – the parents.
Parenting guru Dr Bay Beboomer (61) has ruffled the feathers of parents everywhere by openly moving the finger of blame away from Millenials and pointing it at the parents. Dr Bay had some harsh words to say.
“When was the last time you saw a four-year-old walk into an Apple store and buy an iPad? Never, that’s when. It’s the parents who are giving in to the little shits demands and turning them into great big giant turds,” said Dr Bay eloquently as possible. “These kids pissed and moaned and when they didn’t get their way they cried until they did, but ultimately it was the parents who caved.”
While there is a lot of truth to Dr Bay’s claims, another issue is the government stepping in and not allowing parents to smack their kids. Associate Professor Maffew Sheargold of DrunkenSober Community College had this to say: “Smack ‘em all!”
Well, there you have it. So next time someone starts complaining about Millennials, take notice of their age – if their kids are old enough to qualify as a Millennial, they may very well be part of the problem.
After being roused on for farting in various places around the house, husband Brian Ray (45) felt hard done by when he and his wife woke up and she let one rip in their bed. Pointing out the hypocrisy of the situation – him being yelled out when he drops one three rooms away – his wife felt not an ounce of guilt cracking one under the covers.
“There’s one big difference – mine don’t smell,” said Cathy. “Yours stink, mine don’t.”
Unconvinced by this logic, Brian pointed out all the times that definitely wasn’t true which made his wife giggle before dropping another one under the doona. Thinking he had he green light, Brian then squeezed one out only to hear his wife exclaim, “Hey ya!” and punch him in the arm.
After being kicked out of bed, and relegated to moving down the hallway, Brian then heard another brump from their bedroom followed by profuse giggling. Resigning himself to the unfairness of the situation, he then forced a quiet one out three rooms away, only to hear, “Hey ya! I heard that” from the other end of the house.
It was at that point that Brian realised that this is an ongoing war without end.
Shark attacks are on the rise around Australia and the general public couldn’t give a toss.
“You mean obnoxious pricks are getting bitten? Great,” said Dad Dadson, 47 of Orange.
“I brought me kids down for their first swim at the beach and this surfer dropped in and nearly ran them over screaming that this was “his wave”, said Dadson. “Hope you get snacked on.”
“There I was laying down to work on my tan, and this surfer snapperhead screamed at me that they “hate tourists”. I’m not a tourist, I’m just really white”, said Loretta Liquidpaper (27), of Cronulla. “Ironically, surfers are forever making the ‘hang loose’ hand signal when they’re really nothing but uptight arseholes. I’m rooting for the sharks now.”
Not only are people supporting shark attacks, some even see them as a kind of community service.
“If more arseholes are in the hospital it means less people get abused on the beach’, said Police Chief Martin Brody (51). “If you think about it, sharks are doing us a favour, really.”
Initially shocked at such a callous feeling from the community, I came to share their worldview when a surfer plonked his board down in a car spot I was aiming for and declared it his, telling me to “piss off” and calling me their favourite slur, a “tourist”. At the writing of this article, I too am 100% pro-shark. Go the sharkies!
While it makes sense that males would favour males, and females would favour females, a new study from Australia’s leading centre for brainiacs – Drunkensober Community College – has found that cats just don’t care who you are.
Associate Professor Maffew Sheargold (pictured) has taken time out from his most recent study into how many pingers he can take on a Saturday night and still function enough to open a wine bottle, to discover that deep down cats don’t give a toss about you.
“I was watching the girlfriends cat after a few pingers on Saturdee night, when I had an epiphany – the cat wouldn’t come when I called it. That’s when it dawned on me, cats just don’t give a shit,” said A.P. Sheargold.
Although pretty much the entire population of earth who’ve actually met a cat know this, it hasn’t stopped A.P. Sheargold from applying for grants which have already started rolling in.
“Well, I’ve been an academic long enough to know how the system works. See, just applying to study cats indifference towards humans isn’t enough without a few buzzwords. So I wrote some words down on separate pieces of paper, screwed ‘em up and drew them out of a bowl and that’s how I got $745,000 to study transgender feminist lesbian dance theory within the cat community and its impact on global warming.”
Although the scientific community already know that cats are stand-offish and self-centered, we look forward to reading all about it once Maffew finishes his study.
“Hold on, if I use black cats in the study I reckon I’ll crack a million! Time to celebrate with some pingers.”
After bursting onto the scene in June of 2017 as the frontrunner to ‘Most ironically titled group ever’, Antifa – short for Anti-Fascists – set about ridding the United States of fascism by increasing the number of fascists in the country.
“We are 100% committed to eradicating Nazis!” said Chester Snowflake III (21), standing lockstep with his brothers and sisters in their stylish off-brown shirts. “We’re going to smash up business windows, run riot in the streets, and drive those fascists from our country!”
Just then, one of the off-brown shirts members produced some stylish red and white armbands them to wear as they thrust their left arm into the air for their Antifa salute. All over the neighbourhood, Antifa members placed up stylish posters portraying Trump supporters as rats with big noses, dehumanizing them at every turn.
“We’re not here to talk! We’re not here to listen! We know we’re right and we’re going to smash our beliefs right into people’s faces,” screamed Elizabeth Moneywealth IV (22), after driving to the protest in her trust-fund bought Bentley. “We’re real people who understand the downtrodden,” said Elizabeth as she and nine others beat a homeless guy with a club lock for the crime of displaying a cardboard sign asking for money. “You capitalist pig!” screeched Elizabeth, before running away at the sound of what turned out to be a toy fire engine.
“All I know is thank the Goddess somebody is doing something about these fascists,” cried Oliver Undergraduateforlife (32), after six of his members knocked down a little old lady in a generic red hat before kicking her in the face repeatedly.
Chester asked me to let all readers know that if you have a town that has one or two pro-Trump people isolated and alone, preferably of an age that their mob has a good chance of beating, please email them at email@example.com
After a quick stop at the bottlo on the way home to load the back of the ute with cartons of piss, Trevor ‘Bone’ Lazy (30) was looking forward to laying on the couch and doing sweet fuck all this weekend. That was at least until he pulled up in the driveway and saw his neighbour had just finished moving their lawn.
“Oh God damn it”, shouted Trevor, slapping his steering wheel.
Seeing a clear line where the freshly cut lawn next door met his unkempt out-of-control jungle, Trev instantly knew that he could not hide the fact his lawn needed to be mowed from his wife, Beryl (31).
“Me missus is gunna take one look at this and send me out to the shed”, moaned Trev, surveying the beautiful manicured grass on one side versus the untamed plains on his.
Ever quick on his pins, Trev came up with a cunning plan to down three tinnies as fast as he could, using the old ‘I’m against drink driving’ defence once Beryl arks up about the lawn. Unimpressed, Beryl exited the house and agrees he should not operate machinery whilst drunk, yet still questioned how he managed to drink three beers inside of one minute of pulling up out of the front of their house.
Knowing full well he’ll be sent to the shed first thing in the morning to get to work, Trev has at least bought himself a Friday night on the couch doing nought.
“Not quite the full weekend of doing nothing I had hoped, but it’s better than nothing I suppose. Come to think of it, I may even wash both cars out the front of my neighbours place so his missus gives him more chores to do”, laughed Trevor, before Beryl shouted at him to put all his empties outside in the recycling bin.
The Citizens United Net Taskforce Section have a lot of work cut out for them – trawling through every single person’s internet history to catch them saying something wrong.
“This is important work”, said A. Hole (27), the team leader of the taskforce. Take this guy for example, 14-years-old playing COD online. Gets taken out with a headshot and says, “That’s gay.” Now it’s up to us to ruin his life. Good luck ever holding public office you hate monger!”
“Got another one, boss”, high-fives D. Bag (27). “10-year-old in an elementary school playground. Asked if he wants to join in hopscotch but said, “No. That’s gay.”
“Good work. Make that go viral and we’ll guarantee they never grow up to be employable,” said A. Hole.
“At the end of every day, I feel a sense of pride knowing that what we do is important”, as A. Hole’s email dings and he quickly deletes it. When asked what it was, A. Hole seems unfazed. “Oh. Just another suicide notice about someone’s life we have ruined. Who cares. Hey, anyone feel like sushi for lunch?”
When asked just how young they are prepared to go, the team takes pride in the time they caught a hateful one-year-old.
“That was a hum dinger. Toddler in its crib just uttered phrase, “Ga ga ga gay.” Man, we all really enjoyed ruining its life”, laughed the team.
One thing is for sure, these Citizens United Net Taskforce Section do take pride in their work.