Man who tried to freeze gym membership told he can’t do it over the phone.

Notorious salad dodger Larry ‘Lazyboy’ Jones has always intended to get back into fighting shape. Unfortunately it appears that the fighting shape he will remain in is that of lard arsed documentary maker Michael Moore.

“The main problem I have is I just don’t have enough time to exercise and that’s why I need to freeze my gym membership for 3 months.”

“I called the gym and they said that I can’t do it over the phone, which is insane as if I had enough time to go to the gym to freeze my membership then I would have enough time to exercise.”

Mr Jones currently spends at least 6 hours a day playing Fortnite.

“I’m hoping that one day Fortnite will become an Olympic event and then I will finally realise the dream I had as a teenager to be an Olympian and to perhaps even lose my virginity.”

It’s almost like the gym has it set up this way on purpose one could be excused for thinking.

People who are time poor or just plain too lazy really couldn’t be bother going to the gym just to freeze their membership.

Even if it is to save themselves some money.

Parents find their toddlers bond more with their iPads than they do with them.

At a local parent support group outside of a Daycare centre, a group of concerned parents gather around a power point to charge their phones and talk about their latest parenting concern – that their toddlers love their iPads more than them.

“I just don’t know how this could happen,” said concerned parent, O. Blivious, 32. “I don’t know where I have gone wrong as a parent,” she says as plays a game of Words with Friends mid-conversation.

As the rest of the group stare at and type on their phones, the pause in conversation sees at least one of them look up from their device.

“Yeah, me too. Who could have foreseen this?” asked I. Rony, 27, as O. Blivious immediately stopped paying attention to everyone else and returned to staring at her phone.

An elderly gentlemen in the vicinity couldn’t help overhearing and chimed in with what he thought was sage advice.

“You need to take those bloody phone things off them and spend some quality time with your kids,” said Hesa Right, 76. The interjection of human contact doesn’t sit well with the group, and the parents all hunch over and stare harder at their phones, leaving Mr Right to continue his walk in the park with his grandson.

“I dunno. Maybe I just need to install different apps?” contemplated Clu Less, 33. “Or better yet, friend them on Facebook so we can spend more quality time together!”

For a brief moment the entire group look up and smile, before returning to their natural state of ignoring everyone to tap on and stare at their phones.

For now, kids bonding more with their iPads than their parents will remain an unsolved mystery. If you are concerned your child is addicted to their devices, there’s is a 24-hour chat line you can log into.

Man with no children starts mini-riot at Coles when he says he isn’t collecting Stikeez.

Local man, Ronald Garfield (45), has almost started a mini-riot at Seven Hills Coles after he spent almost $200 on pizza pockets, pies, chips and Diet Coke – an amount that entitled him to 7 or 8 Stikeez. When asked, Ronald became incensed, turning them down saying he wasn’t collecting them.

Made up almost entirely out of the plastic – that was going to be used on free shopping bags until the do-gooders piped up making it so now we all have to pay for our shopping bags – is Coles new collectable campaign.

“Look, I was totally onboard when Woolies had the Marvel collectable disks, they were pretty cool,” said Mr Garfield.

“But these news things are just for the kids.”

After proudly responding “No thanks” to the Stikeez, Ronald then started a mini-riot when he loudly asked, “Who wants them?”

It is common knowledge that if someone isn’t collecting their collectables, that the person directly behind the rejectee in queue has first dibs on the up-for-grab items. This is where the problem started, when local single mother of 5, Tracy Cankles, chimed in with, “I’ll have em!”

“My daughter Chardonnay has 3 complete sets already, but we are after Golden Billy Banana to get the $100 shopping voucher,” said Ms Cankles.

Coles has released the rare Stikeez metallic Eddie, a see-through Brodie, a sparkly Cooper, glow in the dark Carlo and the rarest Stikeez of them all – the Golden Billy Banana!

Since the removal of free plastic bags last year, Coles has put its overflowing plastic resources to good use, first with their Little Shop collectables and now Stikeez. Oh well, at least they’re free. With every $30 purchase of course.

BJ Penn set to become first UFC fighter to fight his way out of the Hall of Fame.

Once a sure thing as to go down as an all-time great, BJ Penn is now on track to become the first fighter ever to tarnish his record to the point he disqualifies himself from the Hall of Fame.

A former fan favourite, the fighter nicknamed ‘The Prodigy’ has lost six of his last seven fights, with the seventh resulting a draw. His last win was in 2010, and an entirely new generation of UFC fans cannot comprehend how this old guy who keeps getting beaten up on undercards has not been cut yet.

“Mighty Mouse lost a narrow decision in a title defence – a title defence – and was then gone from the UFC. BJ must have pictures of Dana or something because he’s recession proof,” said UFC fan, Isa Weartapoutshirts.

Promoter and compulsive liar – pardon the tautology – Dana White, has said it’s not his place to tell fighter to retire. “It’s not my place to tell fighters to retire. Except when they go and fight for other promotions like Chuck Liddell did, then I tell them to retire on the spot,” said the red-faced goof.

Some are not only concerned for BJ’s health, but for the very existence of our known universe. “If his career goes backward any farther, there’s a real concern he breaks the space time continuum,” said physicist, Ima Nerdlinger.

With the announcement of yet another annual BJ Penn loss on the horizon, this time to over-the-hill Clay Guida, fans who once held out for BJ to be immortalised are losing faith fast.

“He’s going from former two-division champ to a journeyman with more losses than wins,” said ringside blue shirt guy, John Morgan. “He was once a Prodigy – earning his black belt in BJJ in three years. Now his career is just like the band the Prodigy – six feet under.”

Once again, Hillary Clinton says she is not running in 2020. Translation – she’s totally running.

“My precious,” said Hillary, salivating over the White House.

As sure as a fat man will say yes to ordering dessert, Hillary Clinton will say yes to running a third time in 2020. How can anyone be so certain? By how hard Hillary is denying she will run again.

“The old joke about how do you know a politician is lying holds true here. How do we know Hillary is lying? Her lips are moving,” said political commentator, Baby Kisser, of Kansas. “She’ll let all the other candidates destroy each other. Then, once the herd has been thinned – and the Dems are crying out for a different candidate – she’ll enter the race acting like she’s some kind of saviour.”

Considering she lost in 2008, and lost again in 2016, perhaps she thinks the third time is a charm. In a nation unfamiliar with cricket though, what she fails to realise is that the third time is more likely to be a hat trick.

“Well she’s unliked, untrusted by the public, has a long record of lying, has poor health, and her husband has a track record of chasing more skirt than gusts of wind, so I’m not quite sure what she thinks she brings to the table. She’d be pretty much a 6-to-4 on favourite to lose,” said election strategist, Phil Mapockets, of Washington D.C.

“Lord knows why she doesn’t save herself the embarrassment and ridicule and stay home. But it’s pretty obvious she wants that job more than Gollum wants the one ring,” said Phil, with a science fantasy reference that suggests he didn’t go on many dates in high school.

One person who’s definitely looking forward to her running again is President Trump, who is a world class troll. “Last time she claimed she lost due to hacking, and it’s true. Totally true. Did you see her? At plenty of campaign speeches she went, ‘Cough cough cough’,” laughed the orange one.

“Stay home and count your millions Hillary, let someone with a chance of winning run,” begged lifelong Democrat voter, Freely Taxyourincome. “For a generation raised on iPads, a third run by you would be like offering the kids a Commodore64.”

Note: for our younger readers a Commodore64 is a really old computer.

Move over Momo. The latest internet craze scaring kids is a movie about clown who lives in sewerage pipe called sh-IT.

“Hey kid. Everything brown floats down here.”

After being scared out of a nights sleep thanks to the evil face of Momo, parents have a new enemy to contend with – a scary clown who lives in a sewerage pipe.

“His name is sh-IT and he appears on their screens with a brown stained clown costume,” said Cyber Detective, Mike Mousepad. “He tells kids he lives in a brown trout farm, but when they get to the virtual farm, they sure as hell aren’t fish.”

Thinking they’re going to see some friendly aquatic life, children have been traumatised when they realise the trout they’re holding in their hands is actually an oversized grog bog.

“Who comes up with this shit? I mean, literally,” asked concerned parent, Isa Dontsupervisemykidsonline. “Imagine how confusing it is for a child to be patting a brown trout and then see pieces of corn in it and wonder how they got there.”

Like Momo, the internet police have no idea how to stop sh-IT from entering their child’s screens. Concerned parents have suggested they take devices off their kids and make them play outside, but tech experts have warned of worse consequences to their minds should this happen.

“No, kids definitely need at least eight hours screen time. Preferably on freshly purchased PC,” said one B. Gates of Silicon Valley. “Oh. And for their peace of mind, be sure to buy them the latest version of Windows too.” The Drunkensober Chronicles would like to thank this Mr B. Gates for his heartfelt concern.

Feminist says men cannot resuscitate women without their consent. CPR courses will now focus on what men can do to fill time while women lay dying.

Feminist spokeswom… person, Ariel Karnt, is angry. Not her every minute, ever hour, every day usual anger – no, this time she means it.

“If a man resuscitates a woman without her consent, that is sexual assault,” shrieked Ariel. “He needs her expressed permission to touch her on the chest. If he doesn’t have it, hands off!”

“Ever since this new regulation came in thanks to the Women’s movement – wait, isn’t that discriminatory or offensive to people who aren’t women? I have no idea – anyway thanks to that organization, we’ve have to make some major changes to our training courses,” said First Aid instructor, John Q. Normal.

Participants in John’s First Aid course gather to practice standing by and observing a female heart attack victim as she lays dying.

“Right. This lady is dying, and you can’t get her permission because she’s unconscious, what can we do?” asks John.

Some answers from the group included: “Go to the pub,” “Go get ice cream,” and “Go through her purse.”

“All good answers people – er, maybe not the robbery one. Now enough time has passed that she would be dead. Moving on. If the person is male though, well it doesn’t matter about consent, so I will now teach you how to do CPR. Wait, isn’t that sexist to do CPR on men and not women? I swear I don’t know anymore.”

Millennial on the light rail overheard saying that he enjoys retro gaming in the form of playing ‘Candy Crush.’

Commuters on the 4pm light rail from Pyrmont Bay to Glebe were treated to a most amusing exchange between two millennials this evening, when they were overheard by several passengers discussing their new fondness of retro gaming. Their game of choice – ‘Candy Crush.’

“When people are talking about retro games, you normally hear the titles ‘Pacman’ or ‘Asteroids’,” said onlooker, Ronald Garfield.

Garfield managed to Snapchat several of the conversations between the two, but when the general consensus on Snapchat was that the Millennials had a good point, Garfield questioned whether or not he was too old to be using the social media platform.

‘Candy Crush’ was released in 2012 and became widely loved, and then despised as people tried to get free turns by inviting their entire Facebook friend list to play. It became the number one reason for the now infamous friend culling frenzy of 2013.

Nigel Emmerson, who is the current president of the Commodore 64 Appreciation Society, said that while he liked the fact that the youngsters were getting into retro gaming, there needed to be some form of mediating done to control what is and what isn’t accepted as retro when it comes to computer games.

“Generally, when referring to retro, we only like to include games made pre-nineties,” Emmerson said, from his caravan permanently parked in his mothers’ driveway. “Just as we don’t include any movies post 1983 in the Star Wars Canon.”

Man brings surfboard to work in order to appear more interesting.

A Randwick man has come up with an ingenious way to get co-workers to notice him by leaving his surfboard at work.

Colleagues brought a smile to the 27-year-olds face by commenting, “We didn’t even know he surfed.”

Cameron DeLonge’s surfing career never really got off the ground. In fact, he has only taken one surf lesson in his life. He went straight to the surf shop afterwards and bought himself a brand new surfboard for $939, which is yet to have its maiden voyage.

Cameron works in a shared space office in Alexandria and noticed the amount of attention one of his co-workers was receiving when he brought in his new pale blue single speed Fixie bicycle.

“Sure, I guess I have always been competitive at the workplace,” said Delonge. “Well you have to be don’t you? If you don’t look for ways to get people to notice inanimate objects you might have to actually be interesting face-to-face. And that’s never been my strong suit.”

The surfboard has been proudly resting against the wall for a week now and it is estimated at least six people have noticed it so far.

“One of the guys here is having an after hours get together with some friends, and I’m hoping the surfboard will get several more views during the night,” said Delonge.

Delonge is hoping to get his second surf lesson sometime next summer.