Newly crowned UFC champ says he is excited about defending his belt once in the next 18 months.

Newly crowned UFC Flyweight champ, Henry Cejudo, said winning the title was a dream come true and is now looking forward to putting his feet up. Accolades, money, fame – these are all byproducts of the title – but the truly amazing part of being a UFC champ is the nice long rest you get.

“You work so hard to get your title shot in this sport, training every day, fighting every three months. But once you win that UFC gold, you get the privilege of hardly ever having to defend it,” beamed a recently crowed Cejudo, who immediately changed into some comfy slippers and had his team carry him to a nearby recliner chair.

“The great thing about being champ is that after each defense your breaks get longer. Robert Whittaker, he had 11 months off. Tyrone Woodley, he had over 12 months off. And Dominick Cruz, had over three years off. So, I’ve got a lot of relaxing ahead of me,” said Henry, as his teammates covered him in a nice warm blanket and put the kettle on.

When asked when his next fight will be, Henry is confident it will happen sometime in 2019. Maybe.

“You never know. If things go to plan, I could get injured in training and not fight until 2020,” said a hopeful Henry before curling up with nice a cup of hot chocolate to start his well-earned rest.

Students walk out of schools demanding immediate action on climate change, but have second thoughts when Principal offers to remove all air conditioners and flat screen TVs.

Students across Australia have walked out of schools and marched on various parliament houses demanding immediate action on climate change. Armed with their protester starter kits – placards and rhyming chants – school Principals have been quick to give in to their demands.

“Starting immediately, we will be removing all air conditioners from classrooms as they emit HFCs into the atmosphere which increases global warming,” said Principal Wakeup, of Reality Check High.

“Not stopping there, we will also remove all flat screen TVs, gaming consoles, and computers as their manufacturing has been estimated to have a larger impact on climate change than the world’s largest coal power stations,” the Principal said to a stunned student body.

“And best of all, the one you kids will be most thrilled to hear about, we will be banning all mobile phones as their construction is estimated to have the largest carbon footprint of all manufacturing by the year 2040,” beamed Principal Wakeup.

Excited, Wakeup cannot wait to see the students tomorrow at the new green Reality Check High. He’s 100% positive they will love all the action he has taken on climate change, as well as the opportunity he has given them to show the world they are not hypocrites.

‘There are more than two genders’ t-shirts now available in men’s and women’s sizes.

Exciting news in the world of gender fluidity as t-shirts proclaiming there are more than two genders can now be ordered online. That’s right, you can proudly display that there are more genders than simply male and female, by ordering one of these new t-shirts which are only available in male or female.

“I cannot wait to wear this at Christmas dinner and really stick it to my dad,” said I. Rony, from Oregon. I. Rony was born a male, identified as a female, but now identifies as a male again. “I’ve already ordered three male’s shirts. My dad is going to be so mad!” beamed I. Rony proudly.

“I’m so excited,” said O. Blivious, from Connecticut. “Now I can really show my dad that there are more than two genders!” O. Blivious was born a woman, and still identifies as a woman, and was impressed there were shirts available for women.

The shirts have a broad appeal and list over 30 different genders, including: Agenderflux, Deliciagender, Heliogender, Pangender, Venngender and Bollocksgender. If this wasn’t exciting enough, the manufacturers have some breaking news to announce as well.

“Starting tomorrow, we are also releasing a children’s line. Now your non-adult small being can wear a ‘There’s more than two genders’ t-shirt to really annoy your dad,” said F. Leeceyourpockets, manufacturer of these t-shirts.

As of midnight tonight, these children shirts will be available online and can be purchased in two styles: boys and girls.

Trump becomes first President – nay, man – to receive a refund from a porn star.

In a world’s first, a judge has ordered porn star Stormy Daniels pay President Donald Trump’s legal fees for unsuccessfully trying to sue him. In total, Miss Daniels will have to reimburse his royal orangeness $293,000.

“It’s unheard of,” said Tom Tissuebox. “All these years of paying for porn, I’ve never received a single cent back. What a legend!”

“You have to respect that,” said Harry Handlotion. “I’ve easily spent a third of all the money I’ve ever earned on porn, so to hear that we might make some of it back is amazing. It’s a victory for men everywhere – single and married.”

“I’d never vote for the guy, but God damn that’s impressive. I look on my porn collection now as a long-term investment. If I ever become President, I just may get all my money back,” said Joe Jerkoff.

Long thought her porn career was behind her, Miss Daniels has been spotted stripping in clubs and working on an upcoming memoir to pay back such a large debt.

“Say what you will about Trump, but he sure does get people back to work,” beamed Joe. “He really is the greatest jobs President ever.”

Thai soccer players say nine days trapped in a cave almost as boring as soccer itself.

In July, a young Thai soccer team – the Wild Boars – were trapped in a cave for nine days straight. Fortunately for them, their background in playing soccer helped them through the long periods of boredom where nothing ever actually happens.

“I think any other sports team would have really struggled in that situation,” said Panumas Sangdee. “As soccer players though, we have a much higher threshold for inactivity.”

“Standing around, having nothing to do, lacking any form of excitement – this is our bread and butter,” commented Panumas.

Not everyone was as philosophical as Panumas. Somepong Jaiwong admits that he began to fret that he may never get to stay up till 3.00am, sit through 90 minutes – plus overtime – and never see a drawn match again.

“At one point I became worried, thinking, ‘What is happening in the world of soccer right now? Who is drawing with whom? Is it Manchester United 0 and Liverpool 0? Or is it Liverpool 0 and Manchester United 0? What if I never get to see another 0-0 game?’” exclaimed an anxious Somepong.

After their rescue, the boys were eager to take their newly tested inactivity and transfer it to the pitch. Duganpet Promtep thought the experience even allowed them to learn and grow as players. “The time spent watching each other do nothing really gave us an appreciation of our fans and what they go through each match.”

At the time of this article, the Wild Boars are playing their biggest rivals, the Wandering Sloths. It’s three minutes to full-time and the score is 0-0.

Scientists devise a plan to teach numbats to take selfies like quokkas in order to combat extinction concerns.

Every year tourists travel thousands of miles to Rottnest Island in order to take selfies with quokkas, and it’s this type of tourism dollar that could go a long way to saving the very existence of the numbat.

Currently listed as an endangered species, there are less than one thousand numbats left in the world and it is feared that unless there is some form of public campaign around the subject that the species will completely disappear.

Wildlife expert and conservationist, Bobby Bushtucker, explains the plan to keep the numbats around for generations to come.

“The quokka has led the way in getting funding for Rottnest Island preservation. And the little bugger has even managed to get itself on the protected native species list to try and prevent the backpackers from bagging one of ’em to take home to grandma in England.”

As a reference guide to taking good selfies, scientist have turned to Kim Kardashian for help, buying her book on the subject only to realise that the numbats hind quarters aren’t large enough to take these style of selfies.

“We figure all we need to do is teach the numbats to smile on cue just like the quokka does. Although, currently our biggest obstacle is that numbats have a keen sense of smell and most backpackers are notoriously a tad whiffy.”

Teenage entrepreneur crushing it with his new side hustle – stacking shelves at Woolies.

Gary Vaynerchuk wanna-be Brendan Martin (16) said he is excited to be starting his new side hustle – stacking shelves at Woolies.

“The plan is to work my startup side hustle at Woolies for a few weeks and then I will look to set up a GoFundme campaign in which I’m hoping an angel investor will give me the money I need to setup my company.”

When quizzed on his new company, Martin seemed somewhat vague about his whole idea. 

“I’m not entirely sure what area the company will be involved with, but what I do know is that I will be the CEO and will be making plenty of coin.”

“Inspiration comes from within yourself. One has to be positive. When you’re positive, good things happen.”

“To succeed, you need to find something to hold on to, something to motivate you, something to inspire you,” Martin said.

When asked if he felt motivated to stack the shelves at Woolies, Martin replied as if delivering a quote directly from one of his idols.

“If you are not willing to risk the usual, you will have to settle for the ordinary.”

Well put son. Well put.

After latest pull-out from UFC bout, Dominick Cruz to be made honorary member of American Kickboxing Academy.

It was a proud day at the American Kickboxing Academy as team captain, Daniel Cormier, announced Dominick Cruz as the latest honorary member to join their ranks.

“Dominick has had one of hell of an impressive run of injuries, quite possibly the highest number of injuries outside of the AKA training halls which is no easy feat,” said the Daddest man on the planet. As he made this announcement, Cain Velasquez – a former UFC fighter who last fought uninjured um… ah… some time ago – began to applaud the announcement before throwing his shoulder out from the effort.

“Luke Rockhold, Khabib Nurmagomedov, Cain Velasquez – AKA has seriously messed up a number of UFC cards with injuries. Hey Luke, remember that time before the Weidman rematch when you broke your nose, sprained your right knee, and had an infection in your left shin all at the same time? Good times,” laughed Daniel and Luke, before Luke fractured three ribs from giggling.

“But seriously ya’ll, it’s not easy to tear your ACL twice, your groin, get tendinitis, break your arm, and now tear your shoulder all in the space of six years. Well done champ,” clapped Daniel and the team.

Stepping onto the mat, Dominick took two steps before twisting his ankle and needing several weeks to recover before he could even think about walking again. His next scheduled fight is sometime in the coming decade.

Aussie trekker in Nepal demands refund after no temples have statues worshipping Tripitaka or Monkey.

Australian explorer and beer connoisseur, Johnno Trevorson, recently returned from trekking in Nepal and does not have a single good word to say about the experience.

“Mate, it sucked,” burped Johnno, in between a tug on his durry and scratching his privates. “I went over there for the culture and couldn’t find any. I want me money back!”

When pressed for further information on culture rich Nepal, Johnno was adamant he was drawn in by false advertising. “Didn’t see one Bigfoot, one Yeti, or one Abominable Snowman! Worse, there wasn’t a single trace of the exotic history of Tripitaka or Monkey. This is bullshit!”

It is the last point that really sticks in Johnno’s craw. “I went there specifically to see relics like Monkey’s cloud, his staff – maybe even get some of his chest hairs, ya know? And I didn’t get squat.”

Despite the breathtaking scenery, the exquisite cuisine, and the many Buddhist temples and shrines, Johnno remains bitterly disappointed in his trip, still rambling about no “Sandy or horse” either. His biggest disappointment though, focuses on Pigsy. “No Pigsy either. He was my idol grown up in Geelong, taught me everything I know. Granted I later realised he was basically a sex pest who forced himself on every woman he came across, but he was still funny, yeah.”

Regardless of this outcome of his visit to Nepal, Johnno refuses to let it taint his thirst for travel, having already booked tickets to go to Boydtown, New Zealand. When asked why that location, Johnno said, “It’s were Beaver Licker is,” moving his tongue up and down excitedly. We didn’t have the heart to tell him it’s actually spelt, ‘Beaver Liquor’ and is a bottle shop in Boydtown.

Looks like Johnno’s in for yet another disappointing trip.