Cat shits in sink on Australia Day. “Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oi Oi Oi!”

A 28-year-old Adelaide man, Scott Thompson, woke this Australia Day to find one of his wife’s cats had left a giant turd in the kitchen sink.

“At first I panicked, thinking, ‘I don’t remember doing that.’ Then I realised it was too small to be a human log, which was around the time I became intrigued. I mean honestly, who drops one in a sink? Then I remembered it was Australia Day and I thought, ‘Hold on. Maybe the cats are kicking things off early, you know?’”

Despite spending an hour waiting around the litter tray to compare tiny Bondi cigars, something Scott said was like a ‘crappy version of CSI’, he and his wife we’re unable to determine who the proud owner was.

“Yeah, our cats are pretty raw, hey? You think they’re just regular cats who sleep and demand food constantly, then they surprise you and go and do something as Aussie as this. Good on ‘em.”

In the end, Scott gave up his investigations, cracked a beer and just accepted that at least one of his pets is a legend. “Not sure which cat it was, but it was definitely the most Australian of the lot!”

Millennials leaving avocado toast out for Santa. “It’s not change in tradition that bothers me, it’s that my son still believes in Santa at 26.”

Gone are the days when Santa would get a few choc chip cookies and a glass of milk – or if he was visiting Australia, a can of beer to boot – as Millennials are leaving out their national dish: the avocado. It turns out that overweight old men in red jumpsuits no longer like a sweet treat, they much prefer a healthier overpriced alternative, says Millennial spokesperson, Xander Maycroft, 26, as he laid out two pieces of avocado toast for the jolly red fat man. 

“Santa is different now. He’s more imag… health conscious, so he makes sure he eats all the foods that the cool kids eat,” said Xander, from his mum and dad’s home in Balmain. 

Looking at the dish with trepidation, Xander’s father, Frank, 62, is unsure about the whole ordeal. “Look, I get that kids always do things differently, I’ve got no problem with that. It’s just that Xander’s 26 and should know by now that Santa isn’t real. And that it’s also about time he moved out and got a bloody job. I can’t keep affording his three avocado’s a day habit,” said an exasperated Frank.

As the lights dimmed in the Maycroft household, the avocado toast lay on the bench untouched, even as Frank passed it numerous times on the way to the fridge to get a beer and a handful of cookies.

“I ain’t eating that shit,” said Frank, hoisting the family cat, Ginger, onto the bench for a sniff. Unimpressed, Ginger decided that she wasn’t having any of it either and went back to good old-fashioned Whiskas biscuits in her personally monogramed dish. 

Before retiring to bed, Frank threw the avocado toast in the bin after laying out the perfect gift for his 26-year-old son – a suitcase for him to move out of home with. When Xander opened the suitcase the next morning, he was unsure what to make of the luggage and the strange pamphlet inside: ‘How to ween off avocado. A Millennial self-help guide.’