After latest pull-out from UFC bout, Dominick Cruz to be made honorary member of American Kickboxing Academy.

It was a proud day at the American Kickboxing Academy as team captain, Daniel Cormier, announced Dominick Cruz as the latest honorary member to join their ranks.

“Dominick has had one of hell of an impressive run of injuries, quite possibly the highest number of injuries outside of the AKA training halls which is no easy feat,” said the Daddest man on the planet. As he made this announcement, Cain Velasquez – a former UFC fighter who last fought uninjured um… ah… some time ago – began to applaud the announcement before throwing his shoulder out from the effort.

“Luke Rockhold, Khabib Nurmagomedov, Cain Velasquez – AKA has seriously messed up a number of UFC cards with injuries. Hey Luke, remember that time before the Weidman rematch when you broke your nose, sprained your right knee, and had an infection in your left shin all at the same time? Good times,” laughed Daniel and Luke, before Luke fractured three ribs from giggling.

“But seriously ya’ll, it’s not easy to tear your ACL twice, your groin, get tendinitis, break your arm, and now tear your shoulder all in the space of six years. Well done champ,” clapped Daniel and the team.

Stepping onto the mat, Dominick took two steps before twisting his ankle and needing several weeks to recover before he could even think about walking again. His next scheduled fight is sometime in the coming decade.

Aussie trekker in Nepal demands refund after no temples have statues worshipping Tripitaka or Monkey.

Australian explorer and beer connoisseur, Johnno Trevorson, recently returned from trekking in Nepal and does not have a single good word to say about the experience.

“Mate, it sucked,” burped Johnno, in between a tug on his durry and scratching his privates. “I went over there for the culture and couldn’t find any. I want me money back!”

When pressed for further information on culture rich Nepal, Johnno was adamant he was drawn in by false advertising. “Didn’t see one Bigfoot, one Yeti, or one Abominable Snowman! Worse, there wasn’t a single trace of the exotic history of Tripitaka or Monkey. This is bullshit!”

It is the last point that really sticks in Johnno’s craw. “I went there specifically to see relics like Monkey’s cloud, his staff – maybe even get some of his chest hairs, ya know? And I didn’t get squat.”

Despite the breathtaking scenery, the exquisite cuisine, and the many Buddhist temples and shrines, Johnno remains bitterly disappointed in his trip, still rambling about no “Sandy or horse” either. His biggest disappointment though, focuses on Pigsy. “No Pigsy either. He was my idol grown up in Geelong, taught me everything I know. Granted I later realised he was basically a sex pest who forced himself on every woman he came across, but he was still funny, yeah.”

Regardless of this outcome of his visit to Nepal, Johnno refuses to let it taint his thirst for travel, having already booked tickets to go to Boydtown, New Zealand. When asked why that location, Johnno said, “It’s were Beaver Licker is,” moving his tongue up and down excitedly. We didn’t have the heart to tell him it’s actually spelt, ‘Beaver Liquor’ and is a bottle shop in Boydtown.

Looks like Johnno’s in for yet another disappointing trip.

Cat shits in sink on Australia Day. “Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oi Oi Oi!”

A 28-year-old Adelaide man, Scott Thompson, woke this Australia Day to find one of his wife’s cats had left a giant turd in the kitchen sink.

“At first I panicked, thinking, ‘I don’t remember doing that.’ Then I realised it was too small to be a human log, which was around the time I became intrigued. I mean honestly, who drops one in a sink? Then I remembered it was Australia Day and I thought, ‘Hold on. Maybe the cats are kicking things off early, you know?’”

Despite spending an hour waiting around the litter tray to compare tiny Bondi cigars, something Scott said was like a ‘crappy version of CSI’, he and his wife we’re unable to determine who the proud owner was.

“Yeah, our cats are pretty raw, hey? You think they’re just regular cats who sleep and demand food constantly, then they surprise you and go and do something as Aussie as this. Good on ‘em.”

In the end, Scott gave up his investigations, cracked a beer and just accepted that at least one of his pets is a legend. “Not sure which cat it was, but it was definitely the most Australian of the lot!”

Millennials leaving avocado toast out for Santa. “It’s not change in tradition that bothers me, it’s that my son still believes in Santa at 26.”

Gone are the days when Santa would get a few choc chip cookies and a glass of milk – or if he was visiting Australia, a can of beer to boot – as Millennials are leaving out their national dish: the avocado. It turns out that overweight old men in red jumpsuits no longer like a sweet treat, they much prefer a healthier overpriced alternative, says Millennial spokesperson, Xander Maycroft, 26, as he laid out two pieces of avocado toast for the jolly red fat man. 

“Santa is different now. He’s more imag… health conscious, so he makes sure he eats all the foods that the cool kids eat,” said Xander, from his mum and dad’s home in Balmain. 

Looking at the dish with trepidation, Xander’s father, Frank, 62, is unsure about the whole ordeal. “Look, I get that kids always do things differently, I’ve got no problem with that. It’s just that Xander’s 26 and should know by now that Santa isn’t real. And that it’s also about time he moved out and got a bloody job. I can’t keep affording his three avocado’s a day habit,” said an exasperated Frank.

As the lights dimmed in the Maycroft household, the avocado toast lay on the bench untouched, even as Frank passed it numerous times on the way to the fridge to get a beer and a handful of cookies.

“I ain’t eating that shit,” said Frank, hoisting the family cat, Ginger, onto the bench for a sniff. Unimpressed, Ginger decided that she wasn’t having any of it either and went back to good old-fashioned Whiskas biscuits in her personally monogramed dish. 

Before retiring to bed, Frank threw the avocado toast in the bin after laying out the perfect gift for his 26-year-old son – a suitcase for him to move out of home with. When Xander opened the suitcase the next morning, he was unsure what to make of the luggage and the strange pamphlet inside: ‘How to ween off avocado. A Millennial self-help guide.’